I'm Happy

I realise this long ago, but today, this feeling is so strong.
Sometimes, i'm happy not because of myself, but i'm happy because someone else is happy.

It's wonderful

to have someone to talk to over the phone when you are feeling so tired on your way home
to have someone to dream about
to have someone to cook for you
to have someone to share your woes, happiness
to have someone to whine
to have someone to worry for and be vexed about
to have someone to laugh about, laugh at and laugh with
to have someone to make you realise you are important
to have someone to make you do things you don't normally do
to have someone to feel jealous over
to have someone to make your day
to have someone to make you feel strong
to have someone to make you feel it's a state of bliss
to have someone to make you want to believe
to have someone to wake you up
to have someone to care for you

to have that someone.....

It has become a highway..

It's like a road you travel on
It's like one moment you are here, the next you are gone
It's like there are no U-turn at all
It's like at the speed you are driving at, it doesn't allow any hesitance
It can be rough sometimes, it can be smooth at times as well
It's like no matter how fast or slow you drive, you start noticing what's around you
It can be dangerous, yet it can be safeest route
It can be travelled fast or slow

In the end, you realise it's a highway to a better destination where no shortcuts will take you to...

If i...let you go....

WestLife - If I Let You Go
Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can't find

The courage to show to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before

And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me? How will I know
If I let you go?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)
It's such a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know
If I let you go ?

If I let you go ooooh baby
Ooooooooohhhhh

Once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
Ooooooooohhhhh

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know
But if I let you go I will never know
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know
If I let you go ?

Merry Christmas

Yet again, it's this time of the year. Festive seasons with happy bells ringing. All year long, many have been waiting for this day. I remembered how i both look forward and dread Xmas. This year, is probably just different, yea, somehow, it's different.

Spread the joy. Enjoy the everything that comes with it. Merry Xmas.!

It's a Rollercoaster Ride

It is like a rollercoaster ride.
You know where you are going.
You know there bound to be ups and down.
You know the thrill and fear that comes with it.
You know there's no turning back.
You know you just got to ride it.
You know the risk involved even though nothing has happened before.
You know it makes you feel like flying sometimes.
You know after this ride, you will missed it.
You know that this ride will be a memorable one.
You know i love this ride.

Friends....

Friends. What is friends? Who can be considered my friends? Who deserve or do not deserve to be my friends? My entire life, much thanks to friends, i grew up, to be the person i am now. Also because of friends, i continue to learn and grow with them. Friends play an important part of my life. I'm sure those reading this knows that. Every single one of you, i want to let you know, you are my friend, true real friend.

It's sometimes very mysterious why we choose who we do as friend. Often we like a person right away based on some intuitive thought or feeling. When asked, we say that it just "felt" right. Other times we may observe someone for a while with admiration, and build up to a formal introduction. Friendship is a wonderful thing and is vitally important for personal growth and success.

Friendship itself is can be sparked by some kind of strange and electric power of attraction. This is what gives it such a terrific and seemingly magical power to tie people together so closely. All the same, our first impressions can often be mistaken. We've all made mistakes before in the friends we've chosen. Often, we'd like to ignore, forget, or believe that we had anything to do with the selection, but we shouldn't. It's these lessons that remind us that we are human and make mistakes, as-well-as the fact that not everyone we meet will enter into a relationship (whether business, personal, etc.), for the same reasons that we do. It's not right or wrong - good or bad. It's just life.

There's really no way to be 100% certain that everyone, or anyone, you choose as a friend will turn out to be a very good friends. Therefore, i am actually contented that i have two very close group of friends, both of which i regarded to be one of the few priorities of my life.

We human tend to look for people who share the same basic values that you do. Honesty, respect, individuality - these are all good qualities that a lot of people share. Having friends with these qualities will make it a lot easier for you to feel relaxed and at ease when you're with them. You want to develop friendships that will be both fun and rewarding - mutually beneficial to all parties involved. One person should never carry the burden of trying to make a relationship "work." It's a two way commmunication

Friends definitely will have different tastes than you do. Sometimes you may feel that a friend is not making a positive choice and discussing it is probably the best solution and choice.. Nothing is more important to friendship than communication and honesty. Friends are people who are willing to stick by you through thick and thin, who will be there when you need them, and will show you the understanding that you in turn give back. A friend you know you can depend on is one you will probably have for life.

There will be times when you feel that a friend of yours is consistently making bad choices, or is not treating you with respect. It is naturally important to see where your friend is coming from, and try to resolve any differences you might have. There are very few things as precious as having good friends, and you should not let them go easily. Hold onto your friendships; let them know you value them and do your best to solve problems as quickly as they arise. Trust your instincts and follow your heart!

For all of that, i really treasure all my friends and i'm thankful to them for what i am today as well.

Till We Part...

I held him in my own hands. I realised he is slightly bigger. His breathing still as fast. I can still remember how fondly everything was then i made him our pet, which eventually became my pet. He was one of the three i've picked. His partner, sadly, died one year before him. It brought great amount of grief and sadness to my mother and me.

I still remember how when i first held him in my hands, he was tiny. His eyes could barely open then. He was prominent out of the two, because of his grey colour fur. He was the better pet as well, because he doesn't bite, but he's always bullying Miu Miu in the initial stages of his life, before he was being bullied after that, few months before Miu Miu passed away.

He was fatter in some sense, because of his greediness. Though not as clever (he can never figure his own way home). Now that he's old (more than 2 years, or rather, 26 months old to be exact come next week), the fear is there. I didn't managed to send Miu Miu off well, and i don't want it to happen to ShooBing as well. He seems to be getting weaker day by day. No longer can i see his 'glorious' days whereby he would spinned his wheels, fast and loud, to make himself known in some sense.

He used to bite at strangers. He used to grine his teeth onto the cage grills. He used to run around actively. But now, everything slows down. He still sleep at his favourite spot with his favourite position. Which i'll fondly remember for the rest of my life. His furs began dropping, the concern exists, the fear arrives. Whatever it is, i really hope to spend some time with him, whom did meant something to me, before he left this very world.

Walk Your Own Journey

Never compare your journey with someone else’s. It’s a marathon with no finish line. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you, but every runner has his own pace. Your journey is your journey, not a competition. You will never “arrive”. No one ever does.

What Is Love?

What is love
Love is joy
Love is pain
Love is a feeling that cannot be explained
Love is what make one feel for another
So powerful
So true

-from Joe Barker-

Until it's actually, bittersweet.

-Continued-

Loving someone could be so wonderful yet so painful. It is because with the greatest love, comes the deepest hurt. Thus, we should always be cautious in love so that we will not be encountering same heartaches. We love, get hurt, and learn before giving our heart again to someone. However, we should never be afraid to love again.

What Hurts The Most?

The feeling right now, feel like bring in a coma state. It's like being in a 50-50 comatose in a hospital. There you are, comfortably lying on the bed, but yet, unconsciously bleeding. There you are, sleeping so softly and peacefully, but yet, silently hurting. There you are, continuously breathing but yet, slowly coping with everything else.

If only I’ve a time machine, I would rather be single up to the present moment, the old says it is better to have loved and lost then to never have love at all, and I found that it’s partially true because if you ever found someone you really love and at the end of the day, they changed and leave for better, what is left was just a bitten memory. It may seem to be nice and so lucky to have someone at the corner of the world still care and think of them everyday, but what it is sometimes nil, null and near impossible. Sometimes, it's just sinking the deep ocean, where sunshine hardly remain in touch and what surrounds is just dark and cold water.

-to be continued....-

=)

看了那部戏，勾起了一些些的回忆。那无意间也看到了一切。她那在我脑海消失以久的灿烂笑容。突然之间，真的为她感到高兴，她是幸福的。

What If?

What if today was your last daY?
What if tomorrow is too late?
Could you have said goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live your moment like your last?
Leave the old memories in the past?

怎么说呢？

突然之间，好想把最近的东西都一一地写下来。

工作方面，简直是吃尽了酸甜苦辣。刚刚才换了个位子。总觉得还不错，但是很冷，真的很冷。对一个很怕冷的我来说，也是一点点的折磨。工作缓慢了下来，也慢慢地开始能喘口气。同事们一个一个地走，来应征的人，也一个一个地出现。拒绝了三个出国的机会，好以让自己能好好地专注在学业上以及跟朋友一起疯狂的玩。

学业方面是个好沉重的压力。这次的学业好像退步了不少，令我感到许多的失望。要在工作和学业上找到一个平衡点真的很不容易。但我觉得我已经在努力了。希望这次的考试，我不会搞得一塌糊涂。自从决定再次打开书本的那天，我就告诉自己我得把书念好。很庆幸的，我做到了。但对于这次的学业，我没有信心而只有无比的压力。

十二月终于来临。期待已久的十二月真的终于来了。这个月也是在这一年里最好玩的一天。购物，疯狂，大吃大喝，拍照，还有许多我好想做的东西，一时也想不起来。

现在的我放长假，心情也跟着愉快起来。希望那飘浮不定的情绪再也不会回来了。

噢！还有！好喜欢我现在的部落格。谢谢你。=）

快来。。。

真的好想它快点来。

Know What's BesT?

What you think is not good for you might eventually turn out to be the only best thing for you.

Never Give Up

(http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20091124/twl-eu-belgium-coma-recovery-c8e2916.html)

BRUSSELS – For 23 torturous years, Rom Houben says he lay trapped in his paralyzed body, aware of what was going on around him but unable to tell anyone or even cry out.

The car-crash victim had been diagnosed as being in a vegetative state but appears to have been conscious the whole time. An expert using a specialized type of brain scan that was not available in the 1980s finally realized it, and unlocked Houben's mind again.

The 46-year-old Houben is now communicating with one finger and a special touchscreen on his wheelchair.

"Powerlessness. Utter powerlessness. At first I was angry, then I learned to live with it," he said, punching the message into the screen during an interview with the Belgian RTBF network, aired Monday. He has called his rescue his "renaissance."

Over the years, Houben's family refused to accept the word of his doctors, firmly believing their son knew what was happening around him, and gave no thought to letting him die, said his mother, Fina. She was vindicated when the breakthrough came.

"At that moment, you think, `Oh, my God. See, now you know.' I was always convinced," she said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press.

The discovery took place three years ago but only recently came to light, after publication of a study on the misdiagnosis of people with consciousness disorders.

While a 23-year error is highly unusual, the wrong diagnosis of patients with consciousness disorders is far too common, according to the study, led by Steven Laureys of Belgium's Coma Science Group.

"Despite the importance of diagnostic accuracy, the rate of misdiagnosis of vegetative state has not substantially changed in the past 15 years," the study said. Back then, studies found that "up to 43 percent of patients with disorders of consciousness are erroneously assigned a diagnosis of vegetative state."

The issue is fraught with difficult medical and ethical questions. Patients diagnosed as being in a vegetative state with no hope of recovery are sometimes allowed to die, as was done in 2005 with Terri Schiavo, the severely brain-damaged Florida woman at the center of the biggest right-to-die case in U.S. history. Her feeding tube was removed.

"It makes you think. There is still a lot of work to be done" to better diagnose such disorders, said Caroline Schnakers of the Coma Science Group.

Houben was injured in an auto accident in 1983 when he was 20. Doctors said he fell into a coma at first, then went into a vegetative state.

A coma is a state of unconsciousness in which the eyes are closed and the patient cannot be roused. A vegetative state is a condition in which the eyes are open and can move, and the patient has periods of sleep and periods of wakefulness, but remains unconscious and cannot reason or respond.

During Houben's two lost decades, his eyesight was poor, but the experts say he could hear doctors, nurses and visitors to his bedside, and feel the touch of a relative. He says that during that time, he heard his father had died, but he was unable to show any emotion.

Over the years, Houben's skeptical mother took him to the United States five times for tests. More searching got her in touch with Laureys, who put Houben through a PET scan.

"We saw his brain was almost normal," said neuropsychologist Audrey Vanhaudenhuyse, who has worked with Houben for three years.

The family and doctors then began trying to establish communication. A breakthrough came when he was able to indicate yes or no by slightly moving his foot to push a computer device placed there by Laureys' team. Then came the spelling of words using the touchscreen.

Houben's condition has since been diagnosed as a form of "locked-in syndrome," in which people are unable to speak or move but can think and reason.

"You have to imagine yourself lying in bed wanting to speak and move but unable to do so _ while in your head you are OK," Vanhaudenhuyse said. "It was extremely difficult for him and he showed a lot of anger, which is normal since he was very frustrated."

With so much to say after suffering for so long in silence, Houben has started writing a book.

"He lives from day to day," his 73-year-old mother said. "He can be funny and happy," but is also given to black humor.

Recently he went to his father's grave for the planting of a tree.

"A letter he wrote was lowered into the grave through a tube," his mother said. "He closed his eyes for half an hour, because he cannot cry."

There is little hope that Houben's physical condition will get better, but his mother said she refuses to give up: "We continue to search and search. For 26 years already."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was touched by the above article. It wasn't what happened in terms of the medical technology that i'm focusing on, but the admiration on how much his parents always believed in him. The strong belief eventually paid off. Sadly, his dad wasn't around to see that very date he could express himself, but definitely something his mum would be overjoyed about...

That's about it. Belief. How many of us hold of to a certain belief that one day, something will happen? We get easily disheartened at moments of failures that often, we do not see how we could have hold on and then stay firm.

'When you reach the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on'

How true can the above quote get? Giving up is easily..but it's always holding on that makes life more fulfilling, although it's tough.

一年就这样过了。。。

Just like that, one year has passed. So much has changed. My lifestyle, my feelings, my habits, my thinking, my mindset, my social circle, my room, my likings, my dislikes and my desktop has all changed either gradually or still in the process of changing since exactly one year ago.

Singlehood

Singlehood was hard initially. It was like a 'Welcome To The End Of The World' feeling. Besides, i've was attached for 30 months, not something i would considered short. I have fully come to terms with it, and i felt that i've moved on. Feelings fade along with time, and it certainly does. Although memories still lingers, it doesn't stay long enough for that 'once so strong feelings' to stay on. As time passes, it brings those feelings away, bit by bit, slowly and slowly, until at a certain point in time, some strong urge struck you and you felt a single, sour and aching feelingwhich makes you feel very weird. A feeling i can't explain, as though it's reminding me i lost someone whom i regard or rather, once regarded as my everything, a very part of my life. Few months back, it's like out of the sudden, when my ipod plays 'Close Your Eyes' by Westlife, i can be brought back into those memories out of the sudden and unknowingly, teary eyes follows.

Lessons Learnt

I must say how wonderful this one year has been. Firstly, this failed relationship made me learnt alot. Not only that, it made me realised things i probably never will if i remained in that relationship. I have her to thank, myself to thank and of course, all those who cared, loved and stand by me when it's considerably one of the toughest part of my life. This failed relationship taught me lots. 'Nothing come as a gift, treasure whatever you have' - I realise the harder meaning of this phrase. Never once will we human not take things for granted so we got to constantly remind ourselves. It's something so simple to be said yet extremely hard to carry it out. I learnt my faults, i learnt how i could have make things better than how it was, i learnt how much i've missed all because i wasn't sure of what i should be doing.

Love Turned Hatred

I could clearly remember how i used to blame her for everything. I just felt so unfair. I just felt so angry. I just felt totally hopeless. It felt like nearly end of the world, partly because i was so wrong, so wrong to treat her as my everything, my world. The love turned hatred was scary. Looking back, it was definitely scary, nevertheless, shocking. Someone whom you hold so dearly, someone whom you whisper speeches of sweet-nothings, someone whom you effortlessly give your love to, within a short span of time, turned into someone whom you hated and loved at the same time, turned into someone you felt out of the sudden turned into a complete stranger. I really never thought it would ever happen, and of course when it finally did, i least expect it to happen as well, but somehow, it just happened.

Just Never Want To Be

The hatred level got into a stage whereby i was so pissed at everything that i had to bear with. The pain of losing someone, the smashing of my very dream i held dearly and closely with me, the tremendous ordeal i had to endure...that affectionally earned her the title 'bitch'. Seriously, looking back, that was caused by my anger. It's like a bomb of guilt, shame and anguish has exploded into your world and the immediate reaction, afterwhich, became snowed under by despair and confusion over what actions should be taken. I never want to be the person to be in that situation in an otherwise perfectly good relationship, because that person immediately becomes the bad egg. Seriously, right now, i would rip her off that title, simply because i've moved on. Sometimes, it's so hard to see certain things when you are bearing grudges. It's so hard to look at things in another perspective. Right or wrong, it's not me to judge. But definitely, what she has done to me, isn't something i'm very proud of or happy with anyway.

Not Doing The Stupidest Thing

Initial period was so tough. If not for those people who was there for me, i wouldn't think i had the courage to even move on. I'm glad i didn't do things that would have made me regret should i have done it. The unbearable scene i've seen umpteen times, i could still recall. I nearly quitted my job. But wisely and luckily, i didn't. I hold on the that belief that if i ever do that, that would probably been one of the stupidest thing i've ever done in my entire life.

Moving On

Seriously, moving on is just a phase or rather a process. What happens after i've moved on is another part which i'm still having difficulty coping. Everything has changed so much. But thankfully, i have all the friends i loved as well as doing things i'll never be able to do should i still remain in that very relationship. Thinking back, i remember not so fondly of the suffering involved with getting over it. During this time, nothing seems to ease the pain. Life seems to be over and you just can't imagine being happy again. You can't even imagine not being miserable again. But gladly i accepted it. And probably that's who i moved on.

Happy Memories Are Meant To Be Kept

The acceptance came thankfully, fast although tough. No matter how much one wants to disassociate all those good memories, he or she can't. Same goes for me. I used to think it was those good memories which is making me harder to move on but slowly, i realise these memories are the memories which once made my life great and happy. That shouldn't be why i should forget it, instead, i'm even looking forward to creating more happy memories with people around me. Remembering the bad is even tougher but to really move on, one just got to accept it. I'm glad i did. I understand how important it is and thankfully that i am able to free myself of those unhappiness.

好马不吃回头草

Sometimes, i get questions like 'Do you still love her?' or 'If she comes back to you, will you patch back with her?'. Clearly, my answer would be no. Certain point of time early this year, my answer could have been a yes, but as time passes, it eventually turned into a no. Time to time again in between this very weird year, i reminded myself. It was so hard for me to say an indirect no to her, all because i want to be loved by her again. All good memories i had with her, stays with me throughout my whole life. However, i constantly tell myself how much i've overcome to be what i am today. It's a reminder i got to abide by, moreover, the idiom '好马不吃回头草' was so commonly mentioned by my mum and friends that it stays in my head all the time. One don't return to his nest all because it once provide him with that warmth he enjoyed so much. Now that the nest is destroyed, it's not easy to build another exact same one.

Letting Go

Letting go is probably one of the hardest thing i've ever done. It's probably one of the most painful realisation one ever has to make as well. Many thinks that holding on is what makes one stronger, but sometimes, letting go is what makes one stronger. To me, moving on doesn't equate to letting go. Moving on simply just means i've move out of that zone which has caused me so much unhappiness, however, letting go in this case to me means not holding anymore grudges, not having any feelings or hopes and sincerely wishing all the best to her. Come to think of all the emotional resources depleting just by dwelling alone, it's not worth it. It's took me only barely 2-3 months to move but took me a near to a year to really let go. Many people make pretend to understand it, but until you have gone through the transition yourself, you can never comprehend the pain one might feel.

Live With Faith

I habour the thoughts that we could be friends but things are made difficult. Let nature takes its course seems to be the only path. One story ending allows another story to takes over. I admitted how i dread singlehood initially, and seriously even till now, i'm still dreading it. It just feels so nice to love and be loved. If i can choose between the two though, i'll glady go for the former. That aside, i'm still having faith in myself, somehow, even if it's a little. That is probably what can keep me going on. Faith means living with uncertainty - feeling your way through life and letting your heart guide you alone the way like how a lantern in the dark.

Lies Persist

I'm still seeing lies on and off. It kind of numbs my nerve already. But usually now, i will just smile it off. I doubt i will be seeing any lies anymore anyway. It's seriously high time that it has to end, unfortunately, on a lower note.

Dwelling leads to More Pain

Time is too valuable in life to waste it on dwelling or harping onto the past. There are new things to be discover and of course, the courage must be there to risk it. I reckon i rather risk it rather than lose it. I always thought to myself, i've been through worse, what could have been even worse? It's not easy not to go back to what i was again. Repeatedly then, i fell back to my mistakes, and each time i do, it's a repeated painful cycle i have to go through. Thankfully, i didn't waste a huge chunk of my life. Much thanks to those who cared.

What Lies Ahead

Past one year, i shared alot, to those who cared and to those whom i care. I've been there and i know it's like. I faced so many failed relationship along the way of moving on and it made me realise how vulnerable relatonship can be. There's a quote i received from Bloms 'No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice'.

It's always better to concentrate on what you have rather than what you don't have. Ironic as it can be, i'm still trying to convince myself. It's beautiful to have that little belief in you, which i'll secretly keep it to myself. I had my fair share of friendships during this past one year, which even made me realise the importance of friendship, some close ones, some in the process of making it even better.

I remember and believe love will come around again. Whenever i look back right now, it's not those dark shadows and gloomy clouds i see, but it's those beautiful memories which once rainbow-ed my life and i definitely miss it. I'm still looking forward and someday, who knows, i'll find that 'her' again.

没办法

说了你又不听
听了你又不懂
懂了你又不做
做了你又做错
错了你又不认
认了你又不改
改了你又不服
不服你又不说

I'm Tired...

I'm tired. Really exhausted. Not only from the lack of sleep i'm facing, but also the stress from my studies. It's nearly driving me nuts. Most doesn't seem to understand what i'm facing. Studying part time, working full time - it's never been on my agenda. If i could choose, i would love to study full time, be a student full time, enjoy campus life and go through what i used to went through.

Sometimes, all i really need, is just that little bit of understanding, Understand why i have to do what i'm doing. Don't try changing what i have. Don't try and take away what i have as well.

I feel so disappointed i'm not getting the support i need sometimes. It makes my life so difficult. Plus the fact, i realised it's not just me being affected, my loved ones are affected as well. Putting me in a difficult position, i don't mind. But letting it affected my loved ones, i can't accept it. I feel totally helpless. It seems like there's nothing i could do.

It's just for a while more. I'm already tied up with my studies, plus my work is giving me some minor little problems, not to mention what's already burdening my heart. It's so much easier to offer advices to others, when you realise you are facing with the same problems, you are stuck...Oh, how ironic...it's like when you are really at the end of the rope and you're supposed to tie a knot and hang on, but in the end, you went to hang (yea bloms, i know you're going to smile, wahaa) yourself instead....i pray for December to come fast

Meanwhile, thank you mummy for being there for me, as always

No More Regrets..

They say life is always full of regrets..but each time, a regret takes sooo long to be forgotten. Some stays with you for a long time, and some even for life...My heart's too heavy and there's no more room for anymore regrets...anymore and i'll probably go haywire....

No more regrets please...

Happy Singles' Day

It's 11 Nov 09. Happy Singles' Day to every Singles out there....Someday, i'm sure, some singles out there will not have to spend this day ever...all the best...

剧本。。。

突然的这几天心情都很低落。没什么心情去做任何事。做起事来无精打采，抱着一种一秒过着一秒的心情过着每一天。

心里觉得很沉重。但也说不起来那种感觉或为什么。我发现我已经失去我早已遗失的信心。我好像与很多事脱落了。好多从前看得懂的东西，到了现在变得模糊不清。 很自然的时间不管怎样都会冲淡一切。好的时光总是结束得好快，而不好的时刻总是跟着时间而慢慢的才会结束。但不管怎样那些时光迟早都会结束。

在新加坡这个社会，真的是太现实了。我看到了这社会与人之间的磨岔。丑陋的人，我看过了。在这个残酷的社会，人变得怎样肯本并不是他们的错。有时我会感到厌倦。看着我那些在外国的朋友，以及自从我开始在这行混，我看到和学到的东西真的很多很多。不管是人际关系，地里，文化或则事物。的却，我曾经想过到外国生活，也许几年后我可能会那么做。

我想每一个人的生活，也只有一个剧本吧。这本剧本要怎么写，而剧中的故事要怎么完美，完完全全就掌握在自己的手里。一本剧本要有它的低潮和高峰才能显出它的美。我才刚刚写完我的低潮，现在我就得望着高潮，继续的写我的剧本。

恋爱的滋味

可能是单身了一阵子。可能是身边的朋友一个个都甜甜蜜蜜地在谈着恋爱。很奇怪的，自己开始在回想那时的情景 - 浪漫，纯真，简单，甜蜜。到了现在，我也不知道我自己是真么撑过来的。近来几个月都是一样，好像有点抱着一天过着一天的那种感觉。有时候，会觉得有一点空虚，好像生命里少了什么似的，但也有时候，会感到很庆幸以把过去给抛在一边。

不管怎么讲，那个狠心的阴影还在。但我本身还是很渴望在一次谈恋爱。好想在你最需要某个人的时候，她都会在。好想在我苦与乐的同时，也有那某个人来跟我一起分享。那内心深处所渴望的都慢慢地离我而去。但人往往都是这样，在我们都拥有的时候，我们都不去珍惜它，非得在失去它了过后，才来觉得好后悔。

当时的我，以把它当作是第一，唯一，最后的一次了。但回想起来，好像会对自己很不公平。我不知道要怎样形容，也只觉得这样。可能是在我生命里，还有很多人给我那份希望。一次的失败，并不代表永远的没希望。有人曾跟我说，好马不吃回头草。我也用了一点点的小时间来明白那简单而又深沟的道理。

亲情，友情，爱情。到了现在，我还是觉得生命也就只有这些。但是这些感情事，并不是单单只讲感情罢了，也就是因为这样，那简单的两个字，也变得复杂多了。就算是这样，我还是很渴望再与爱情摩擦多一次。

On Route To Hokkaido

After i'm done with post, i swear i'm going to sleep. This whole tour leading trip is nothing but memorable, for both right and wrong reasons. As i'm typing, i can still hear the 'wong wong wong' hollowing sound just within my right ear, coughing as i typed along as well.

It's a fun trip. Really fun. It's a totally different from how on the day before, i dreaded going. It feels good to mingle with group passengers, talk and crap with the funny tour guide and of course not forgetting the beautiful scenary that Hokkaido has to offer during Autumn time. If only tour leading can be a job, i would most certainly be glad to take it on. Imagine, your whole life will be travelling, enjoying, interacting, very different from those collar-bound job, sitting in front of the computer and stressing as you type.

It's even funnier when everyone starts to ask if i'm single and one by one, they start to tell me how they want to introduce girls for me. Funny. I've met different sorts of people before and for this trip, there's really lots of interesting people. Some became friends and sometimes, you can really see the power of Singaporean Auntie. I suppose the international hobby of girls is mainly dominated by Aunties, Singaporean Aunties. They can shop from the start, all the way until the departing airport. Already last call, still can shop. Awesome. It's even funnier when it's obvious that shops are already closed on certain nights and they will go 'where can we go shopping tonight?'. I take my hat off them.

I finally had my collection of KitKat from Japan. At last, not forgetting my beloved 白色恋人. On the whole, the trip was great.

However, memorable because of the wrong reasons as well. Feeling sick nearly throughout the whole trip. The weather didn't help much as it makes everything else worse. Flu, cough, fever...you name it. The flight back completes the torture, the pressure change make my right ear nearly deaf. I can't help it. How i wish i can tour lead again....

On a side note, i can't forget how i cried a few times on the plane when i was watch My Sister's Keeper and the Japanese guy beside must have thought i misses home so much....

Mad Rush

Hectic month. And worse, it's barely after halfway. Changes. How many of us can cope and adapt to it so well? The re-scheduling of the roster, changing on certain structure and moving on a different direction. It is too much to ask for and for us, too much to take.

Apart from the very fact that people has been asked to leave, some are sill leavung on their own accord, one even to the extent to forking out a one month pay worth and leave immediately. Roster forced us to work during the weekend like never before, and messed up the whole system during the weekday schedule. Now, mistakes occured more often than ever before. Everyone's stressed, with low morale.

I've never been so stressed before over work. You see the real ugly side of people. Also, you get to see people whom you can really trust. I have been affected by this roster so much as that i'm missing out on my social life, family life as well as my studies. It has been affected so badly that i'm missing out on my projects deadlines, doing and trying to complete it at wee hours as well as skipping lessons. Gosh...I almost had a nervous breakdown.

Solutions had better come fast before i can sense more even leaving myself. Meanwhile, i'm glad i am the land of the rising sun, temporaily away from office work.

Over here in Nihon, it's cold, cold, cold and cold. Nothing but cold. I misses the Sapporo Ramen, Bai Se Lian Ren, Corn Chocolate, Sashimi and this time round, i must try and Alaska crab and Sea Urchin...Yummy yummy...

Little By Little

Fought for own existence to get the attention..
Dream the dream that never expects any resistance..
Fading like stars among the night sky are how the feelings could be..
Little by little, everything that could be dreamt of was given..
Little by little, the pieces of dreams starts to shatter and came off..
To give it all in life and all the time, in the end, only to ponder why..
True perfection has to be imperfect, although foolish but it's true..
The day has come for acceptance..
So....this is it....

Read My Mind

How easy is it to read someone's mind? How good or bad would it even be if we possess the special capability to do so? But it all still seems so impossible. We humans can only make it easier to read someone's mind, but definitely, we can't simply read it off without understanding that person.

Often, misunderstanding occurs. And that can be one of the worst thing that can be happening to me. I hate to be in a situation whereby i caught in between trying to explain myself clearly, and at the same time, already been misunderstood by others. Precisely, it's because of this tiring explanation job, many don't even bother to explain at times. Till time either fade that misunderstanding, or if not, wait till things get worse, that relationship will be torn, possibly forever.

It always seems to us that what we remark in this consciousness is obvious. Hidden meaning aren't easy to be noticed or even discovered. Speak with empathy, make logical or educated guesses on what the person might be thinking, observe his eyes and actions...all in all, it's tiring, but necessary.

Maintaining a relationship factors in understanding whoever is involved, including spending time to do what's mentioned above. Once that level of understanding is reached, slowly, the chances of misunderstanding is minimized. Ever seen buddies who can simply just click the moment they meet? They could even know what the other party is thinking. That bond i called it, is inseperable. It's almost telepathy. I wish i could have that with all my friends, and i really do....

No, I'm Not

Not a dog
Not a puppt
Not an idiot
Not a toy
Not a retard
Not a dimwit
Not a fool
Not a jackass
Not a sparetyre
Not a pet
Not a backup
Not a sucker
Not a kid

Try harder....

It Really Hurts

My problem took a huge turn. The pain wasn't just pain, it's nearly unbearable when i moved into certain positions. Standing up from a sitting down position became a detestable task which i've been doing so easily in the past. Probably, it's until the edge of losing something that you realise how precious it is.

My lecturer was saying, Human Beings living in a cosmopolitan society like Singapore has taken things for granted way too often. She simply mentioned some words to describe it all - 'the backyard syndrome'. She further explains how a person couldn't be bothered with his backyard until a day when someone throws something into the backyard then only will he worry.

For things even as simple as walking could be taken for granted, same goes to eyesight, sense of hearing etc. Ask the blind and they'll tell you how lucky you are.

For now, i just wished my back can recover fast. I miss bending down wearing my shoes and socks, i miss lying down flat on my bed and sleep, i miss jogging and running.......

Happy Birthday Don

It's 24 September again. Coincidentally, it's the celebration of this 24 years of wonderful life. I'm glad i walked near half of that and made a wonderful friend. Happy 24th Birthday and May All Your Wishes Come True!! Just a few quote to celebrate your birthday as a friend alongside with our friendship! Cheers!

- Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief
- Friendship is never finished, only abandoned
- A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out
- The language of friendship is not words but meanings


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the side note, i was especially touched by LayHuannies and Jon for the pillow they bought. No words can explain or describe how surprising and touched i am. They learnt about my back problem and poof, they got me a pillow.

Sometimes, it's the words and actions that makes all the difference. Spread it all people. Cheers

I'm a Superman

I thought everything well over and done with. I THOUGHT. Yet, rubbish always find its way to my ears. However, i'm not the same as before, or just thought she thinks i am. I found just a song which totally speaks myself out. There you go, Superman by Eminem.


Dina Rae: Mmmmm..
Marshall: You high baby?
Dina Rae: Yeahhh
Eminem: Oh yeah?
Dina Rae: Talk to me
Eminem: You want me to tell you somethin?
Dina Rae: Uh-huh
Eminem: I know what you want to hear

[ Chorus ] [ Eminem and Dina Rae ]

I know you want me baby, I think I want you too
(I think I love you baby) I think I love you too
I'm here to save you girl, come be in Shady's world
I want to grow together, let's let our love unfurl
You know you want me baby, you know I want you too
They call me Superman, I'm here to rescue you
I want to save you girl, come be in Shady's world
(Ooh boy you drive me crazy) Bitch, you make me hurl

[ Verse 1 ]

They call me Superman
Leap tall hoes in a single bound, I'm single now
Got no ring on this finger now
I'd never let another chick bring me down
in a relationship, save it bitch
Babysit? You make me sick
Superman ain't savin shit
Girl you can jump on Shady's dick
Straight from the hip, cut to the chase
I tell a muh'fuckin slut to her face
Play no games, say no names
Ever since I broke up with what's-her-face
I'm a different man, kiss my ass
Kiss my lips, bitch why ask?
Kiss my dick - get my cash?
I'd rather have you whip my ass
Don't put out, I'll put you out
Won't get out, I'll push you out
Puss blew out, poppin shit
Wouldn't piss on fire to put you out
Am I too nice, to buy you ice?
Bitch if you died, wouldn't buy you life
What you tryin to be my new wife?
What you Mariah? Fly through twice

[ Bridge ]

But I do know one thing though
Bitches, they come they go
Saturday through Sunday, Monday
Monday through Sunday yo
Maybe I'll love you one day
Maybe we'll someday grow
'Til then just sit your drunk ass
on that fuckin runway ho

[ Chorus ]

Cause I can't be your Superman, can't be your Superman
Can't be your Superman, can't be your Superman
I can't be your Superman, can't be your Superman
Can't be your Superman, your Superman your Superman

[ Verse 2 ]

Don't get me wrong - I love these hoes
It's no secret, everybody knows
Yeah we fucked, bitch so what?
That's about as far as your buddy goes
We'll be friends, I'll call you again
I'll chase you around every bar you attend
Never know what kind of car I'll be in
We'll see how much you'll be partyin then
You don't want that, neither do I
I don't want to flip when I see you with guys
Too much pride, between you and I
Not a jealous man but females lie
But I guess that's just what sluts do
How could it ever be just us two?
I'd never love you enough to trust you
We just met and I just fucked you

[ Bridge ]

[ Chorus ]

[ Verse 3 ]

First thing you say, "I'm not fazed I hang around big stars all day
I don't see what the big deal is anyway you're just plain old Marshall to me"
Ooh yea girl run that game "Hailie Jade? I love that name!
Love that tattoo - what's that say?, rot in pieces? uh, that's great"
First off you don't know Marshall, at all so don't grow partial
That's ammo for my arsenal, I'll slap you off that bar stool
There goes another lawsuit leave handprints all across you
Good Lordy whodi, you must be gone off that water bottle
You want what you can't have, Ooh girl that's too damn bad
Don't touch what you can't grab, end up with two backhands
Put anthrax on a tampax and slap you 'til you can't stand
Girl you just blew your chance don't mean to ruin your plans

[ Bridge ]

[ Chorus ]

Bad Bad Day

It was a bad week to start off with. Work on weekend has ruin my fantastic plan of my long weekend. Not to mention my back pain has aggravate. Worse of all, came a large hole on my wallet and gone are my money and guitar picks.

Anything else..coming up????????????

Broken Heart = Death

Chanced this upon a website. It seems like we human beings can literally die from a broken heart. So whatever it is, it's always better to take things at your own stride. I've heard of stories on how a lady passed away just 2 days after her partner did. A wake for one could easily turn into a wake for two.

It's always better to show concern to family or even friends who're on their down side of life. I'll never forgot how my broken heart is mended, much due to those who really showed and showered me with the necessary concern and support.

Read this article and you'll know the consequences.

Heartbreak increases heart attack risk

SYDNEY : People mourning the loss of a loved one are six times more likely to suffer cardiac arrest, potential proof that you can indeed die of a broken heart, Australian researchers said Tuesday.

According to a Heart Foundation study of the physical changes suffered immediately after a profound loss, grieving people were at significantly higher risk of heart problems, said lead researcher Thomas Buckley.

"We found higher blood pressure, increased heart rate and changes to immune system and clotting that would increase the risk of heart attack," Buckley said.

Of the 160 people studied, half were mourning the loss of a partner or child, and their risk of heart attack increased six-fold, he said.

The risk, which was evident in people as young as 30, reduced after six months and levelled out after two years, he added.

A sudden flood of stress hormones is believed to be behind the grief-induced heartache, a condition that earlier studies have found is more likely to affect women.

Hectic, Furlough, Reality

NATAS Fair was a killer. It took a heavy toil on me. It was successful and i thought all those bookings were manageable. But it never turned out to be so, much due to expected but unforeseen circumstances. Seems abit contradicting but it's really how things are now. Given all the hard work and stuff, to think that i was shocked by the figure produced today by our General Manager. For a relatively decent sized company like UOB Travel, from start of the year till now, the company only made 4k. YES, you didn't see wrongly, only $4000.00 bucks!

This piece of news alarmed me. Those news on how NATAS broke its record in travel sales, those news on how H1N1 and economic downturn aren't preventing people from travelling, those news on how Singaporeans are gaining the confidence to travel suddenly seems so inaccurate. The figure of profit made me feel how insignificant i am. It's a weird and uncertain feeling.

Post NATAS was of intense atmosphere. Staying up late at work became a routine. I miss my bed, i miss my mum's home cooked food, i miss lazing in front of my computer, i miss going out for a dinner and catch up with my friends.....but i haven't been able to do much of that lately.

Macau was spectacular. Hong Kong was amazing and yummy. Everything else was comforting and nice, a great escape from the pile-up of work and rantings of some.

But yet again, it's back to the battlefield and i really dread the life of 8.30am to 11pm work. I feel like an ox, on a never ending ready-to-be-harvested plot of land...can i just...give it up? But one thing to bad glad about i passed my exams, with another burden in mind....

What the Modern Woman Wants

Do take some time to read this essay. Definitely worth reading. Enjoy!
A 15-YEAR-OLD Singaporean, competing against 16- to 18-year-olds, has won the top prize in a writing contest that drew 5,300 entries from 52 countries..
In the annual Commonwealth Essay Competition, Amanda Chong of Raffles Girls' School chose to compete in the older category and won with a piece on the restlessness of modern life.
Her short story, titled What The Modern Woman Wants, focused on the conflict in values between an old lady and her independent-minded daughter.

'Through my story, I attempted to convey the unique East-versus-West struggles and generation gaps that I felt were characteristic of young people in my country,' said Amanda, who likes drama, history and literature and wants to become a lawyer and a politician.
Chief examiner Charles Kemp called her piece a 'powerfully moving and ironical critique of modern restlessness and its potentially cruel consequences'. The writing is fluent and assured, with excellent use of dialogue.

Amanda gets (S$1,590). A Singaporean last won the top prize in 2000, said Britain 's Royal Commonwealth Society, which has been organising the competition since 1883. Enjoy reading folks...

What the Modern Woman Wants
By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seatbelt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it, 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance''Liquidation' 'Assets' 'Investments'... Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent.

The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval.

'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.

'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the backseat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap.. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.

'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America . There have been a lot of problems.'

The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.

Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look.
The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

'Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.' Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.

'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'

Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend.
'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!'

The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence.
The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall.

Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side.

'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.

The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods.

Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook.

Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man. Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success.

What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes.

She bowed once more. The old woman had been praying for her daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.
Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name.

Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man.

She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen.

She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood. She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu; old-fashioned.. She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.

Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.

Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values.. Her wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman. Power, Wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques, and yet her daughter had not found true happiness. The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less.. When her daughter left the earth everything she had would count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.

The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: That her daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one way to go from there - down.
The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of beehoon in front of the altar. Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshipped every day of her life.

Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty soulless shell at the altar.

The old lady watched her joss tick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing. Modern woman nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it.

Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness.

They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before.

'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road . Once we move in to our apartment we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...'

The old woman nodded knowingly. Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out - but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and, besides that, the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a Home.

There's one near Hougang - it's a Christian home, a very nice one.'

The old woman did not raise an eyebrow. 'I've been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you'd be happier there.'

'You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers trace the white seat.

'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her mother. 'Is everything okay?' What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said firmly, louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.

'It's for you, Ma! You'll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.
'I knew everything would be fine.'

Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money, Status, Career, Love, Power and now, Freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down...

Yes, she was free. Her phone buzzed urgently, she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear.. 'Stocks 10% increase!'

Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her...And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen, the old woman in the backseat became invisible, and she did not see the tears.

NATAS Fair

Yes! It's NATAS!! I never look forward NATAS so eagerly before. Probably due to the fact that this NATAS is the only time to save my ricebowl, given such hard times we have been facing. And so, everything started with a bang. Training and preparation for this fair starts as early as July, which the whole of July and August being leave embargo period.

Worse of all, just one week prior to the fair, the atmosphere was intense. Adverts after adverts. Calls after calls. So much so that our low manpower couldn't handle, i swear i almost died.

Just minutes into the fair, i got my first booking. And constantly, bookings came in. Until the final day, it was annouced successful. The subsequent days was hard even till today. I lost sleep. I missed out on lots of stuff but i believe i learnt lots out of it. It was fun, memorable and certainly draining as well.

Whacky Colleagues

The Official Mascots of Warner Brothers, Gold Coast

I was so excited taking photos with them. They are professional mascots and i really meant professional. They way they mimic the characters really reminds me of how they look like in cartoons. And mind you, that batman suit weighs more than 30kg.

It's fun for my job, on my end to ensure others enjoy their holidays. And now, i look forward to mine. Counting down....Wooooo

Luck

When a person gets really unlucky, he or she can really be on the down side of his life. Luck is a myterious thing. Sometimes, defined as superstitious as well. I do not really believe in pure luck, but i believe luck does play a part in our everyday lives, sometimes, a major role even.

I count myself lucky on the whole. Lucky for the fact that i have such wonderful parents, lucky to have a brother as my growing up companion, lucky to fall in love once and learnt a huge lesson from it, lucky to been through minor hardship and overcoming them, lucky to have friends who i can share my life with, lucky to even have live this long and far.

Luck is a silent companion, sometimes bringing new surprises, sometimes bringing you a chance to meet your new interest in life or even a small windfall. Most of the time, you probably never pay any attention to luck. In fact, chances are, you only think of luck when you are betting on some lottery or soccer match or participating in some contest.

But luck is so much more than just that. Being lucky is a blessing. I always relate luck to superstition. But when bad luck befalls on me, i most of the time, choose to blame on luck. Simple question will always be asked 'Why me?' And most of the time, i am never able to get any answer out of it.

I had a fairly good example. I've never won any mahjong game since start of this year, until June. It's only recently that i started winning. Lady luck wasn't with me, be it what colour of underwear i wore. I always asked myself why did i lose so much, but never had an answer. Sometimes, then you had bad luck falling on you, it's a streak and there's no escaping. I was just sick yesterday, beginning with a flu, subsequently, i felt restless. The fact that my computer went haywire and a stupid simple mistake caused me to lose all my data in my external hard disk - my photos, my movies, my music....all gone. Brinigng a headache and an itchy nose to work didn't help to start the week positively. A cut on my thumb just make everything else worse and i ponder, why the hell am i so unlucky. Naturally, things's turn better, and relief comes after.

I always feel it works that way. You need to experience the hard and difficult before you can taste the sweetness. I can just simply conclude that i rather been contented with what i have, rather than harping on what i've lost. Because in the end, there's nothing really to lose.

Pissed...

I'm super pissed at the fact that especially when i'm running my game, my computer would shuts down on its own. It's still a fairly new computer, and a rather good one even. The fact that it fails me at certain point each time my computer is on disappoints me more than it actually pissed me.

I invested so much in this computer system, only hoping for this particular system to run as smoothly as possible. So what now, i'm faced with a near useless laptop and a 'going to spoil' computer, which means, i probably have to pound in more money just to ensure i get the hope of getting either a new notebook or having my desktop to run smoothly again.

It's either the power supply or the ram or the graphics card or everything altogether. Dammit...a hole in my pocket, yet again. Not excluding the trouble of fixing it or rather, getting my friend to fix it for me...

Army Half Marathon

This year Army Half Marathon was a killer. After missing out last year's Marathon, i told myself, i musn't miss out this year. As usual, i went into the marathon, unprepared.

Some asked why pay to torture yourself. I always thought if i'm prepared going into the marathon, i will do better. But each time i did a long distance run, i always aimed to complete it. It's not something i can give up halfway because it's a 'once you start, there's no turning back' race. Each time i did a long distance run, it's a race. A race against myself. Endurance, determination, self-discipline all comes in.

Completing a marathon is no easy feat and has always been an achievement for me. Probably, it works the same on life as well...we are all racing everyday, against time, against ourselves etc...

Happy Happy Mildred

Happy Birthday Mildred..May All Your Birthday Wishes Come True....
Hope you like the present....

Random

It's like tons of work piled up. The fact that NATAS Fair is coming ain't helping. Calls comes in one after another, endless. I like the fact that i'm busy at work, because it simply makes time pass faster, at the same time, u get a little stressed, but that is what spurs me on.

But in terms of academics, i think i'm starting to fail and lose myself. No longer i find myself able to study the way i loved to. No longer i find myself having the enthusiasm to drill the textbook into my head. Exam's next week, i'm still nowhere to be seen at the halfway line. I need to buck up...and motivation...anyone?

Celebrated two birthdays over the weekend. Photos soon!

生日快乐!

Happy Birthday To My Dearest Mother.

HeartAches, HeartBreak....

What's the most hurtful thing that can happen? Usually, the most hurtful thing isn't physical, but emotional or mentally. I realised that not too long ago. Relationship bring one of the worst pain to one.

I never thought it would be my turn, and when it's my turn, it turned hell for me. But since i endured that period of down, i decided that nothing tougher can hit me. But i was wrong. Come to think of it....
Who was there for me when i was young?
Who was there for me when i needed someone?
Who was there for me when i endured what i thought is the toughest part of my life?
Who was there for me when i had happy things to share?
There's only one person i can think of, my mother. Sometimes, we shared our heart, divide our love so much that we neglect those who constantly showered us with love. But come to think of it, those who really loves you, are the ones who share your pain with you, and not the only who bring you pain.

I often thought, what would happen if my mother ever leaves me, the moment i wanted to think of it, i immediately distract myself, because, i couldn't hold myself to ponder any further for i know, i will be very affected.

Relationships are complicated. True feelings develop into kinship. Even husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, the most stable relationship to me, will eventually develop into a special kinship, which, should be able to withstand almost every obstacles for if not, it won't last.

No point harping to someone who won't share that with you. I learnt my lesson. Hatred made me move on faster than expected. It's a painful process. But one very important lesson i learnt is...
Loving someone is easy
Maintain a relationship is difficult
Letting go of it is even more difficult

By letting go, it really make you see the whole picture which only people who truly let go understands and it might even be one of the wisest decision you've ever made....i'll just hope those who meant to be together to last, and those, who don't...letting do is probably the best solution of all......

Litlle Relief

I finally clicked 'ignore', after 8 long months........

Life's Full of Regrets

I remembered i once had a post, similarly, it's about regrets. I flashback that post, browse it through. I realised that in life, regrets are inevitable. Sometimes, we try to mend the hole, but no matter how hard we tried, the hole will never be patched back.

I had my fair share of regrets as well anyway. Most, i would just acknowledged it and smile it off, looking at the bright side of life. But for some, it remained a regret, probably will remain that way in time to come as well.

Events come and go in your life. Same goes for people. Some become your friends, some gradually became better friends, some's just aquaintances and some, they just disappear out of your life. I never know the real meaning of friends, until i reach my late teens. To me, then, friends became something from just a mere playmate to someone who's my soulmate, or probably more.

MiuMiu was the best pet i've ever owned. Till now, his death was sad. No matter how natural he died. He made me realised the word 'cute'. Then, when i first bought him, he was tiny, white and could barely opened in eyes. Barely half a year, he's struck with sickness. And slightly after a year, he parted. I suppose it's the end of his suffering, but i regretted not spending enough time with him. I wished i could play with him more, but no longer could i did.

Wonderful friend i once had. Till today, still just as wonderful. We were close before. Subsequently, i couldn't remember how things eventually gone fading...That was the friendship i truly cherished. I wouldn't blame anyone but myself for how things has changed. Yes, things changed. Humans changed. But i believe what can happened before, can happen again. Be it positively, or negatively. I hope i can find back the bond i once had with friends i cherish.

Sleeping Late Makes You Fat

At my age, probably most should be either working or still studying. It has long been a tradition for people nowadays to get merely little sleep, including myself. Friends my age are either working or studying. Simply i know it's tough, sleep as much as you can whenever possible then. Article below is dedicated friends who sleep little....

Lack of sleep could get you fat

The benefits of a good night's sleep go beyond improving your concentration and overall well-being. Researchers have found that it is also good for your waistline.

Those who consistently fail to get enough sleep may experience weight gain, according to findings presented at Sleep 2009 in Seattle last month.

The annual meeting of the Associated Professional Sleep Societies is attended by doctors, researchers and healthcare professionals.

A study on 92 healthy adults conducted by University of Pennsylvania found that those who had less than the average amount of sleep gained an average of 1.3kg during the 11-day experiment.

Another study on 1,000 volunteers conducted by Stanford University in California found that those who slept less than eight hours a night had higher levels of body fat. Those who reportedly slept the least weighed the most.

The findings are hardly surprisingly, since inadequate sleep affects the hormones that help control our appetite and metabolism, said local sleep specialist Dr Lim Li Ling.

According to Dr Lim, who is the director of Sleep Disorders Unit at Singapore General Hospital, sleep deprivation is "a stressful state which alters our body's hormonal environment".

Lack of sleep decreases the level of leptin, a hormone that makes one feel full after eating. It also increases the level ghrelin, a "hunger hormone" that stimulates one's appetite. This results in overeating and weight gain, said Dr Lim.

"People who don't get enough sleep may also feel tired and exercise less," she added.

For those who have less sleep because they stay up late, eating habits such as bingeing on calorie-laden foods to stay awake may be the reason behind the weight gain, said Ms Lim Su Lin, chief dietitian and senior manager at National University Hospital's dietetics department.

"To stay awake, they may resort to drinking high-sugar, caffeinated beverages or munching on tidbits," said Ms Lim. They may pile on the pounds as a result.

To control your appetite through the day, Ms Lim recommended sticking to three main meals a day at fixed times, and including fibre to your meals.

Fibre, which can be found in vegetables, fruits and whole grains, makes you feel full and thus deters snacking. Starting the day with a wholesome breakfast can also help you avoid binge eating later in the day.

For another group of people, the problem may be more serious than weight gain.

A substantial number of Singaporeans suffer from sleep disorders. Dr Lim estimated that 10 to 30 per cent of the local population have insomnia and up to 15 per cent have obstructive sleep apnea (OSA).

OSA is a condition where a person's upper airways are blocked during sleep. "When breathing is interrupted during sleep, the quality of sleep is affected," she said. Poor sleep is known to be as detrimental as lack of sleep.

So what constitutes a good night's sleep?

"It is simply one from which we wake up naturally (without an alarm clock), feeling refreshed, alert and able to function at peak mental performance," said Dr Lim. A person who sleeps well would not need to nap in the middle of the day.

The amount of sleep a person requires varies with age. According to Dr Lim, newborns may need as much as 16 to 20 hours, spread throughout the day, while young children should get 9 to 10 hours and teenagers, 8 to 9.5 hours.

Adults require six to 10 hours of sleep.

"Although some people take pride in getting by with very little sleep, most people who get fewer than five to six hours daily are probably not getting enough," said Dr Lim.

How to achieve a good night's rest

A guide to a good night's sleep by Dr Lim Li Ling, director of Sleep Disorders Unit at Singapore General Hospital.

- Try to go to bed and wake up at around the same time. Our sleep-wake patterns are regulated by an internal "clock" that dictates when we feel sleepy. When our daily activities synchronise with our internal clocks, we will naturally sleep better.

- If you can't fall asleep within 15 to 20 minutes, leave the bedroom and do something relaxing, such as reading or listening to soft music. You should only return to bed when you feel sleepy again, however long it takes.

- If you have insomnia, you should not read, watch TV or work in bed. Associating the bed with other types of activities, especially if they are stimulating, will make it harder to fall asleep.

- Avoid caffeine - a stimulant that can stay in your body for over 10 hours - and stimulating activities close to bedtime. Stimulating activities include vigorous exercise, intense work and exciting TV programmes.

- Long afternoon naps make it difficult for us to fall asleep at night and should be avoided.

- A daily ritual to help us relax at the end of the day is a good lead-up to sleep. This can take the form of a taking a warm bath, dimming the lights, reading quietly or listening to soft music.

Happy Birthday Xia

Special Happy Birthday Wishes to Xia......May Your Birthday Wishes Come True.....
Hope you like the surprise.....Woohoo...you know what to do...

勉强的爱，又何必呢？

"有人说： 如果你不爱一个人，请放手，好让别人有机会去爱他/她。。。 有的东西，你再喜欢也不会属于你的。。。 有的东西，你再留恋也注定要放弃。。。 人生中。。。 有许多种爱，但别让爱成为一种伤害。。。 我选择沉默。。。 当一个男人为一个女人而哭了，那说明了他真的爱了。。。 当一个女人为一个男人而哭了，那说明了她真的放弃了。。。"

Fatal Misunderstanding

Sometimes, we act before we think. At heated moments, we tend to do things just to spite our loved ones. Many times, we just don't want to give in, all because we want the other party to know it's them who's at fault. Words are cheap, flithly cheap in fact. Actions proved the words, and not purely just words. I love to share this story which is really meaningful. Please, spend some time and read it..

Part 1...

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in This world is gone forever. This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited By LSX, translated by Safe). Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of Asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining Years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both of us refuse to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: “You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial _expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags;She would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.

That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...

I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Part 2 and end...

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I went to my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.

After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.

"LD, you are pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said:"Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.

Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I should sprint, I could never reach them.

I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scar in each other's heart. For me, it’s unintentional; for him, totally intentional.

I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated! Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, wheneverI ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time, I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?

Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.

Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.

Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.

Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is; I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer?

Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home,I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, andI had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the painI have caused you; forgive me for not telling you my illness, becauseI want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me andI would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."

He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...

The End...