Just like that, one year has passed. So much has changed. My lifestyle, my feelings, my habits, my thinking, my mindset, my social circle, my room, my likings, my dislikes and my desktop has all changed either gradually or still in the process of changing since exactly one year ago.
SinglehoodSinglehood was hard initially. It was like a 'Welcome To The End Of The World' feeling. Besides, i've was attached for 30 months, not something i would considered short. I have fully come to terms with it, and i felt that i've moved on. Feelings fade along with time, and it certainly does. Although memories still lingers, it doesn't stay long enough for that 'once so strong feelings' to stay on. As time passes, it brings those feelings away, bit by bit, slowly and slowly, until at a certain point in time, some strong urge struck you and you felt a single, sour and aching feelingwhich makes you feel very weird. A feeling i can't explain, as though it's reminding me i lost someone whom i regard or rather, once regarded as my everything, a very part of my life. Few months back, it's like out of the sudden, when my ipod plays 'Close Your Eyes' by Westlife, i can be brought back into those memories out of the sudden and unknowingly, teary eyes follows.
Lessons LearntI must say how wonderful this one year has been. Firstly, this failed relationship made me learnt alot. Not only that, it made me realised things i probably never will if i remained in that relationship. I have her to thank, myself to thank and of course, all those who cared, loved and stand by me when it's considerably one of the toughest part of my life. This failed relationship taught me lots. 'Nothing come as a gift, treasure whatever you have' - I realise the harder meaning of this phrase. Never once will we human not take things for granted so we got to constantly remind ourselves. It's something so simple to be said yet extremely hard to carry it out. I learnt my faults, i learnt how i could have make things better than how it was, i learnt how much i've missed all because i wasn't sure of what i should be doing.
Love Turned HatredI could clearly remember how i used to blame her for everything. I just felt so unfair. I just felt so angry. I just felt totally hopeless. It felt like nearly end of the world, partly because i was so wrong, so wrong to treat her as my everything, my world. The love turned hatred was scary. Looking back, it was definitely scary, nevertheless, shocking. Someone whom you hold so dearly, someone whom you whisper speeches of sweet-nothings, someone whom you effortlessly give your love to, within a short span of time, turned into someone whom you hated and loved at the same time, turned into someone you felt out of the sudden turned into a complete stranger. I really never thought it would ever happen, and of course when it finally did, i least expect it to happen as well, but somehow, it just happened.
Just Never Want To BeThe hatred level got into a stage whereby i was so pissed at everything that i had to bear with. The pain of losing someone, the smashing of my very dream i held dearly and closely with me, the tremendous ordeal i had to endure...that affectionally earned her the title 'bitch'. Seriously, looking back, that was caused by my anger. It's like a bomb of guilt, shame and anguish has exploded into your world and the immediate reaction, afterwhich, became snowed under by despair and confusion over what actions should be taken. I never want to be the person to be in that situation in an otherwise perfectly good relationship, because that person immediately becomes the bad egg. Seriously, right now, i would rip her off that title, simply because i've moved on. Sometimes, it's so hard to see certain things when you are bearing grudges. It's so hard to look at things in another perspective. Right or wrong, it's not me to judge. But definitely, what she has done to me, isn't something i'm very proud of or happy with anyway.
Not Doing The Stupidest ThingInitial period was so tough. If not for those people who was there for me, i wouldn't think i had the courage to even move on. I'm glad i didn't do things that would have made me regret should i have done it. The unbearable scene i've seen umpteen times, i could still recall. I nearly quitted my job. But wisely and luckily, i didn't. I hold on the that belief that if i ever do that, that would probably been one of the stupidest thing i've ever done in my entire life.
Moving OnSeriously, moving on is just a phase or rather a process. What happens after i've moved on is another part which i'm still having difficulty coping. Everything has changed so much. But thankfully, i have all the friends i loved as well as doing things i'll never be able to do should i still remain in that very relationship. Thinking back, i remember not so fondly of the suffering involved with getting over it. During this time, nothing seems to ease the pain. Life seems to be over and you just can't imagine being happy again. You can't even imagine not being miserable again. But gladly i accepted it. And probably that's who i moved on.
Happy Memories Are Meant To Be KeptThe acceptance came thankfully, fast although tough. No matter how much one wants to disassociate all those good memories, he or she can't. Same goes for me. I used to think it was those good memories which is making me harder to move on but slowly, i realise these memories are the memories which once made my life great and happy. That shouldn't be why i should forget it, instead, i'm even looking forward to creating more happy memories with people around me. Remembering the bad is even tougher but to really move on, one just got to accept it. I'm glad i did. I understand how important it is and thankfully that i am able to free myself of those unhappiness.
好马不吃回头草Sometimes, i get questions like 'Do you still love her?' or 'If she comes back to you, will you patch back with her?'. Clearly, my answer would be no. Certain point of time early this year, my answer could have been a yes, but as time passes, it eventually turned into a no. Time to time again in between this very weird year, i reminded myself. It was so hard for me to say an indirect no to her, all because i want to be loved by her again. All good memories i had with her, stays with me throughout my whole life. However, i constantly tell myself how much i've overcome to be what i am today. It's a reminder i got to abide by, moreover, the idiom '好马不吃回头草' was so commonly mentioned by my mum and friends that it stays in my head all the time. One don't return to his nest all because it once provide him with that warmth he enjoyed so much. Now that the nest is destroyed, it's not easy to build another exact same one.
Letting GoLetting go is probably one of the hardest thing i've ever done. It's probably one of the most painful realisation one ever has to make as well. Many thinks that holding on is what makes one stronger, but sometimes, letting go is what makes one stronger. To me, moving on doesn't equate to letting go. Moving on simply just means i've move out of that zone which has caused me so much unhappiness, however, letting go in this case to me means not holding anymore grudges, not having any feelings or hopes and sincerely wishing all the best to her. Come to think of all the emotional resources depleting just by dwelling alone, it's not worth it. It's took me only barely 2-3 months to move but took me a near to a year to really let go. Many people make pretend to understand it, but until you have gone through the transition yourself, you can never comprehend the pain one might feel.
Live With FaithI habour the thoughts that we could be friends but things are made difficult. Let nature takes its course seems to be the only path. One story ending allows another story to takes over. I admitted how i dread singlehood initially, and seriously even till now, i'm still dreading it. It just feels so nice to love and be loved. If i can choose between the two though, i'll glady go for the former. That aside, i'm still having faith in myself, somehow, even if it's a little. That is probably what can keep me going on. Faith means living with uncertainty - feeling your way through life and letting your heart guide you alone the way like how a lantern in the dark.
Lies PersistI'm still seeing lies on and off. It kind of numbs my nerve already. But usually now, i will just smile it off. I doubt i will be seeing any lies anymore anyway. It's seriously high time that it has to end, unfortunately, on a lower note.
Dwelling leads to More PainTime is too valuable in life to waste it on dwelling or harping onto the past. There are new things to be discover and of course, the courage must be there to risk it. I reckon i rather risk it rather than lose it. I always thought to myself, i've been through worse, what could have been even worse?
It's not easy not to go back to what i was again. Repeatedly then, i fell back to my mistakes, and each time i do, it's a repeated painful cycle i have to go through. Thankfully, i didn't waste a huge chunk of my life. Much thanks to those who cared.
What Lies Ahead
Past one year, i shared alot, to those who cared and to those whom i care. I've been there and i know it's like. I faced so many failed relationship along the way of moving on and it made me realise how vulnerable relatonship can be. There's a quote i received from Bloms 'No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice'.
It's always better to concentrate on what you have rather than what you don't have. Ironic as it can be, i'm still trying to convince myself. It's beautiful to have that little belief in you, which i'll secretly keep it to myself. I had my fair share of friendships during this past one year, which even made me realise the importance of friendship, some close ones, some in the process of making it even better.
I remember and believe love will come around again. Whenever i look back right now, it's not those dark shadows and gloomy clouds i see, but it's those beautiful memories which once rainbow-ed my life and i definitely miss it. I'm still looking forward and someday, who knows, i'll find that 'her' again.
