Lousy Life

Not many people know the stress i'm in right now. I have so many problems that seem to difficult for me to handle. To be true, it's just me. I can't accept the fact i have to grow up. No longer am i going dependent on my parents, Dear or even my friends. If one has to grow up, he certainly have to. I've learnt this important fact years ago when i started working, but till now, i find it hard to accept this fact totally.

I've been trying to find a job, in fact, it's not just a job, it's my career. Ever since i've gotton myself into this Hospitality/Tourism circle, i'm full of ambitions and goals. But that aside, often, i find myself in a serious dilemma. On one side, it's my ambition, it's what i want to achieve in my life. On another side, i doubt the ability of myself to even cope with it and juggle between work and my very own life. Seriously, since young, i never had a dream. I didn't even give a damn about what i'm going to do in my life, until when i was in Secondary 2. This teacher made a mild impact in me, which make me realize having an ambition is important. It sets what you desire, what you think you want to be in future and work towards it. Although it takes more than just that to achieve an ambition, but at least, it get me to find purpose in my future life each time i enter a new phase of my life.

My parents has never been supportive of me being a chef. All because of several reasons. They didn't think it was realistic, they think it was not practical, they think i won't make a good chef and lastly, being a chef won't have any prospects. It was until i worked in Shangri-La hotel that i truly realise what they say hold some truth, but still, i think they were wrong. But then again, i'm thankful they dissuaded me. Thanks to them, i know what i wanted now. At the very least, when i mentioned how i wanted to study tourism and my mother gave me full support while my dad still think i won't make anything out of it.

My results tells it all. And now, i'm all ready to have a job in this industry after i ORD. Problems faced. I wanted to venture into MICE (Meetings, Incentive Travel, Conventions and Exhibitions). But then again, i met with so many obstacles.
- Which company is good?
- Will my diploma be regconised?
- In this industry, it's long hours, you work as though you have no day and night, will i have time for myself, my family, my friends and my girlfriend?
- Will there be a future for it?
- Will i be able to cope?
All that really hold me back quite abit. But then, i went on and applied for some. It was only days ago that i started looking for jobs through website. But sadly, till now, i received no replies. So many thing went through my mind. I thought too much, so much so that i became stressed. I'm worried i wouldn't be able to get a job. I'm afraid that i will be umemployed even after months after i ORD. I'm scared that i might have to do something i dislike. And if that's the case, what will it be? Will i be able to survive long? What if i wanted to change industry, will it be difficult?

Crap, so many worries i'm facing now and yet, it's not something anyone can settle. Even i myself couldn't cope with it. I tried explaining this to my family, but they simply don't understand, which made my damn frustrated. I tried telling my cousin, yet he thought things aren't that complicated. I tried telling Dear, but seriously, there's nothing much she could do. It's all myself. I seriously don't know what i should do.

Worse of all, another set of problems just keep coming up. My health hasn't been good. I've already been sick for at least one month and still counting. My cough still now hasn't recovered yet. It brings me back to the time where Milred was having the same problem too. I also have fears that it might be what happened to me years ago, that worse torture of my life. I consulted numerous doctors yet i'm still not healed. I simply had no idea what to do except to medicate myself everyday. I get drowsy every night after all the medication - cough syrup, inhaler, naal spray, antibiotics, flu medicine and yet, i'm still not well. I did think i might as well be better off dead. I spent so much money on doctors that i'm really becoming broke. The money i learnt each money isn't even enough to cover all my medical fees for this few months.

I had an advice from my friend to seek the help from hospital. But seriously, i don't see a difference in that. I'm going to ORD soon, yet this kind of shit just came and ruin everything. I just feel lousy.

Thankfully, i had this Saturday which is giving me another reason to hang on and live well....I really feel weak...