Special Happy Birthday Wishes to Xia......May Your Birthday Wishes Come True.....
Hope you like the surprise.....Woohoo...you know what to do...
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
勉强的爱，又何必呢？
"有人说： 如果你不爱一个人，请放手，好让别人有机会去爱他/她。。。 有的东西，你再喜欢也不会属于你的。。。 有的东西，你再留恋也注定要放弃。。。 人生中。。。 有许多种爱，但别让爱成为一种伤害。。。 我选择沉默。。。 当一个男人为一个女人而哭了，那说明了他真的爱了。。。 当一个女人为一个男人而哭了，那说明了她真的放弃了。。。"
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Fatal Misunderstanding
Sometimes, we act before we think. At heated moments, we tend to do things just to spite our loved ones. Many times, we just don't want to give in, all because we want the other party to know it's them who's at fault. Words are cheap, flithly cheap in fact. Actions proved the words, and not purely just words. I love to share this story which is really meaningful. Please, spend some time and read it..
Part 1...
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in This world is gone forever. This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited By LSX, translated by Safe). Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of Asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining Years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both of us refuse to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: “You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial _expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags;She would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Part 2 and end...
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I went to my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.
"LD, you are pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said:"Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I should sprint, I could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scar in each other's heart. For me, it’s unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated! Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, wheneverI ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time, I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.
Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is; I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer?
Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home,I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, andI had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the painI have caused you; forgive me for not telling you my illness, becauseI want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me andI would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...
The End...
Part 1...
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in This world is gone forever. This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited By LSX, translated by Safe). Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of Asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining Years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both of us refuse to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: “You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial _expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags;She would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Part 2 and end...
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I went to my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.
"LD, you are pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said:"Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I should sprint, I could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scar in each other's heart. For me, it’s unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated! Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, wheneverI ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time, I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.
Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is; I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer?
Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home,I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, andI had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the painI have caused you; forgive me for not telling you my illness, becauseI want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me andI would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...
The End...
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
There's A Reason For Everything
Let me share a story with everyone. This is a story, based on true events, encountered by if i still remember correctly, by a journalist or novelist with the name containing Archer. Archer himself was in jail several times, due to his insistance of his own works and on certain views. Once, during his stay in prison, he met this guy. So, the story goes...
This guy in his late middle ages, probably 40s, would always be imprisoned same time of the year. Each time, his imprisonment would last between 3-4 months. His imprisonment would always starts just before Winter and by Summer, he would be released. He did it for consecutively many many years. Same time of the year, every year, he would stand outside a shop, probably locksmith, and he would grab a brick and throw towards the window of the shop. He didn't steal or injure anyone, purely just damaging property.
Each time he do that, he would be charged under UK laws for damaging property of others, each bringing a maximum imprisonment sentence of 4 months. He was imprisoned every year, at the same time of the year that even the prison warden, the judges knew him. So, therefore, there is this year, a judge intend to show sympathy and granted him to be released with just a warning, on the account of him doing it for so many times and no point sending him to prison again.
And for that year, that guy passed away...that is because, he's pure homeless and he couldn't survive past winter..........
Sometimes, although we are showing the humane side of ourselves, we too need to find out what's strong. Extend that effort to find out the reason of the actions of others, so that it can made us understand them better, in turn, helping them better if ever possible. Probably, if the court knew about his homeless situation, they could jolly well refer him to some care organisation and he wouldn't have to die already...a sad story indeed.......
This guy in his late middle ages, probably 40s, would always be imprisoned same time of the year. Each time, his imprisonment would last between 3-4 months. His imprisonment would always starts just before Winter and by Summer, he would be released. He did it for consecutively many many years. Same time of the year, every year, he would stand outside a shop, probably locksmith, and he would grab a brick and throw towards the window of the shop. He didn't steal or injure anyone, purely just damaging property.
Each time he do that, he would be charged under UK laws for damaging property of others, each bringing a maximum imprisonment sentence of 4 months. He was imprisoned every year, at the same time of the year that even the prison warden, the judges knew him. So, therefore, there is this year, a judge intend to show sympathy and granted him to be released with just a warning, on the account of him doing it for so many times and no point sending him to prison again.
And for that year, that guy passed away...that is because, he's pure homeless and he couldn't survive past winter..........
Sometimes, although we are showing the humane side of ourselves, we too need to find out what's strong. Extend that effort to find out the reason of the actions of others, so that it can made us understand them better, in turn, helping them better if ever possible. Probably, if the court knew about his homeless situation, they could jolly well refer him to some care organisation and he wouldn't have to die already...a sad story indeed.......
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Lions Eat Man Up
Check out this link (Not for the Weak Hearted)
http://agnestansingapore.blogspot.com/2009/07/ask-you-say-in-car-and-you-no-believe.html
Seriously, if you have weak heart, do not even attempt to click on the above link. This man is seriously also asking for it. Logically, given such attraction, you should be mature and sensible enough to know what you should be doing.
As much as how human are amazed by nature and animals, they are always greedy. In this case, greediness caused his life. I too think that his friend should drive the car, attempting to knock to lion down, or at least drive the car near to chase them away. Sadly, they must be so stunned that all they can do is to panick at their own spot and shouting and watch the man get eaten alive frantically. Sad....
http://agnestansingapore.blogspot.com/2009/07/ask-you-say-in-car-and-you-no-believe.html
Seriously, if you have weak heart, do not even attempt to click on the above link. This man is seriously also asking for it. Logically, given such attraction, you should be mature and sensible enough to know what you should be doing.
As much as how human are amazed by nature and animals, they are always greedy. In this case, greediness caused his life. I too think that his friend should drive the car, attempting to knock to lion down, or at least drive the car near to chase them away. Sadly, they must be so stunned that all they can do is to panick at their own spot and shouting and watch the man get eaten alive frantically. Sad....
Friday, July 03, 2009
Think Before You Act
How many times do we often react without actually understanding or finding out the intention of acts of others? Often, this lead to unnecessary misunderstanding, which in turn, might simply just ruin the relationship between you and someone who actually cared for you, but probably put it in a different way. A story to share...
While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench.
At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.
Devastated by his own actions......sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. . .
Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life..... Things are to be used and people are to be loved. But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved...let this story serve as a reminder and keep this thought in mind:-
Watch your thoughts; they become words
Watch your words; they become actions
Watch your actions; they become habits
Watch your habits; they become character
Watch your character; they become your destiny
Whatever we do, we got to think of the consequences. Naturally, humans tend not think think twice before they act, causing themselves to regret what they did eventually. Hence, the regrets...is done...and there's no turning back.........
Thursday, July 02, 2009
7 Wonders of The World
True enough, we indeed have the 7 wonders of the world, physically. These tangibles are indeed wonderful, created more than decades or centuries ago. But from somewhere, i found a different kind of 7 wonders of the world that are intangible:-
- To See
- To Hear
- To Touch
- To Taste
- To Feel
- To Laugh
- To Love
These are the things we are possess and can do, which sometimes, we tend to overlook. These are the things are are truly wonderful and these are the wonders that cannot be built by man or brought by man. Make good use of these wonders...
- To See
- To Hear
- To Touch
- To Taste
- To Feel
- To Laugh
- To Love
These are the things we are possess and can do, which sometimes, we tend to overlook. These are the things are are truly wonderful and these are the wonders that cannot be built by man or brought by man. Make good use of these wonders...
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Don't Say Nothing When You Say Something
Nobody can be perfect. Not me and of course, certainly not whoever's reading this as well. Why argue over trival issues? Why get worked up and all tensed up for something that is so insignificant? Just so you can get your message across? Just so you can prove you are much better than some other people? Just so you can let people know about your unhappiness?
Oh, did i mention to anyone that my ears has slight difficulty in hearing, and when i mean slight, i really meant it. It's simply just means i can't hear as clearly as a perfect hearing person would. So in an event when i require you to repeat, it's not because i'm being irritating, but it's purely because i really can't hear.
Worse of all, there's this group of people which i have an issue with. Why say nothing after splurting out some words? Don't say nothing when you did say something. Saying things halfway, keeping me in suspense doesn't make me curious, it's simply just turned me off and worse enough, it could jolly well pised my ass off.
Call me coward if you want. The fact that i don't like to show my unhappiness doesn't mean i'm agreeing with whatever you are doing. It simply just means i DO NOT want things to turn ugly. Moreover, if it's something trival, i rather swallow down the bitter saliva and let it be, till time heals it all.
Oh, did i mention to anyone that my ears has slight difficulty in hearing, and when i mean slight, i really meant it. It's simply just means i can't hear as clearly as a perfect hearing person would. So in an event when i require you to repeat, it's not because i'm being irritating, but it's purely because i really can't hear.
Worse of all, there's this group of people which i have an issue with. Why say nothing after splurting out some words? Don't say nothing when you did say something. Saying things halfway, keeping me in suspense doesn't make me curious, it's simply just turned me off and worse enough, it could jolly well pised my ass off.
Call me coward if you want. The fact that i don't like to show my unhappiness doesn't mean i'm agreeing with whatever you are doing. It simply just means i DO NOT want things to turn ugly. Moreover, if it's something trival, i rather swallow down the bitter saliva and let it be, till time heals it all.
Drama & Movies
I used to be a hardcore lover of '霜天自尊', therefore, when i learnt that this show, '双子星' is related to '霜天自尊', it got me all hyped up. There's so much hype on how once again, the collaboration of Fann Wong and Zoe Tay would spark a new series of ups and downs.
Even the male disguise of Felicia Chin wowed me in a instant the moment i saw her on screen, her transformation is one of the part which i really like about the show. Plus the return of Benedict Goh, who used to such a great host for 'The Pyramid Game'. I still remember watching show when i'm young and no doubt he even voted himself the person with the most NGs in this show. But understandly, with someone who holds a degree in English Literature and conversing in English all his life, it's at least commendable that he made it this well in this show.
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At last, i've watched Transformer 2 and it's really a nice movie. Expectations of this movie is certainly much higher, especially after how it stole the hearts of viewers in its first part. Thjankfully, it didn't disappoint those faithful followers, like me! This part 2 Transfomer is actually a sequel to the first part which scenes mainly shoot in France and Egypt (Wow!).
Even the male disguise of Felicia Chin wowed me in a instant the moment i saw her on screen, her transformation is one of the part which i really like about the show. Plus the return of Benedict Goh, who used to such a great host for 'The Pyramid Game'. I still remember watching show when i'm young and no doubt he even voted himself the person with the most NGs in this show. But understandly, with someone who holds a degree in English Literature and conversing in English all his life, it's at least commendable that he made it this well in this show.
Lastly, blame the producers for cleverly picking our last year winner of Singapore Beauty Peagent, Ms Jessica for this short but special role. My first time seeing her on screen and her potrayal of her sweet innocent image as a bakers charms nearly all male viewers i bet. So all in all, this seems like a good show, now what i've caught nearly half of it.
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At last, i've watched Transformer 2 and it's really a nice movie. Expectations of this movie is certainly much higher, especially after how it stole the hearts of viewers in its first part. Thjankfully, it didn't disappoint those faithful followers, like me! This part 2 Transfomer is actually a sequel to the first part which scenes mainly shoot in France and Egypt (Wow!).
Real fighting Falcon and tanks were used to potray the real fighting scenes between the robots, plus the extra effort put in this time rounf for the special effects and animation. And many of the autobots cars were sponsored by General Motors in bright colour to make everything look more distinctive. Now tell me, how could one even miss such a show which has been given so much details to it.
Now, i'm just waiting eagerly to watch Ice Age 3, anyone?
Now, i'm just waiting eagerly to watch Ice Age 3, anyone?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Missing Person
The other day, a friend of mine told me, that his friend's cousin went missing. Just nearly 24 hours later, the family members had actually made a police report. They made a report to the police centre nearest to their house, and when asked where was the missing personnel last seen, the family members revealed somewhere else. Hearing this, the police centre mentioned to them that they have to report this missng personnel matter to the police centre over the area where she was last seen and not at this police centre.
I find this ridicously absurd. Never mind the trouble, but can anyone even imagine the frantic-ness and the worries the family had to face when someone dear to them went missing so suddenly? I didn't know what happen after that but i seriously hope she can be found.
I kept this thought, how can someone even went missing in Singapore? In such an island, it's not difficult to go missing, unless to a certain extent, they delibrately went missing or they met up with some mishap. But anyway, it's certainly not easy to find, if it is, Mas Selamat would have been found long ago.
Posters was up on the notice board of all MRT station. To a certain extent, it might helps, it might not even. I couldn't imagine the pain of losing someone so dearly to me out of the sudden for no reason. The set up of Crime Library (http://www.crime-library.org/) is intentionally to help source for such people and help as well. If anyone remember the case of 'Huang Na', it was a public involvement in fact, where she was eventually found.
Seriously, if someone went missing, and public involvement is there, i'm sure the chances of finding the person would be there. But there isn't much volunteers in Singapore to do that. Back in places like London, they have a special organisation just to search for missing people, but of course, it's a profession and they are paid to do so.
The chance of finding a missing person is only higher when the involvement and awareness goes higher. Here's one good story on how the involvement of public can helped solved a missing case but sadly, it's all ended up too late (http://www.asiaone.com/Digital/News/Story/A1Story20070523-8361.html ).
Let's hope these missing people will be found eventually, safe and sound. SPF did their part by having notices on their website specially for missing personnel. (http://www.spf.gov.sg/missingpersons/).
I find this ridicously absurd. Never mind the trouble, but can anyone even imagine the frantic-ness and the worries the family had to face when someone dear to them went missing so suddenly? I didn't know what happen after that but i seriously hope she can be found.
I kept this thought, how can someone even went missing in Singapore? In such an island, it's not difficult to go missing, unless to a certain extent, they delibrately went missing or they met up with some mishap. But anyway, it's certainly not easy to find, if it is, Mas Selamat would have been found long ago.
Posters was up on the notice board of all MRT station. To a certain extent, it might helps, it might not even. I couldn't imagine the pain of losing someone so dearly to me out of the sudden for no reason. The set up of Crime Library (http://www.crime-library.org/) is intentionally to help source for such people and help as well. If anyone remember the case of 'Huang Na', it was a public involvement in fact, where she was eventually found.
Seriously, if someone went missing, and public involvement is there, i'm sure the chances of finding the person would be there. But there isn't much volunteers in Singapore to do that. Back in places like London, they have a special organisation just to search for missing people, but of course, it's a profession and they are paid to do so.
The chance of finding a missing person is only higher when the involvement and awareness goes higher. Here's one good story on how the involvement of public can helped solved a missing case but sadly, it's all ended up too late (http://www.asiaone.com/Digital/News/Story/A1Story20070523-8361.html ).
Let's hope these missing people will be found eventually, safe and sound. SPF did their part by having notices on their website specially for missing personnel. (http://www.spf.gov.sg/missingpersons/).
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Paradoxes of our lives
- Today we have bigger house but smaller families
- We have fancier houses but more broken homes
- There are more incomes but also more divorces
- There are more convenience but lesser time
- We have more qualifications but lesser common sense surprisingly
- We have more knowledge but less judgement
- There are more experts but more problems
- There are more medicine but less wellness
- There are more food but less nutrition
- We multiply our posessions but reduced our values
- We added years to life but not life to years
- We spend more but have less
- We buy more but enjoy it lesser
- We learned to rush but never waited
- We have higher incomes but lesser morales
- We long on quantity but short on quality
We spend money too recklessly, laugh too ittle, drive too fast, get agitated too easily, stay up too late, talk too much, show too little and lie too often.
As we grew older, we tend to take alot of things for granted. We never knew the importance of something or even anything as time passes on. It's always when we are on the brink of losing it or when we loses it that we realise how important it is, which by then in most cases, is way too late.
It's really time that we have to remove our vocabulary of words like 'maybe', 'someday', 'perhaps', 'see first' off our dictionary. Every moments in life is precious and even if it's not special to you, it might be to someone else. Not even a second is deemed wasted, as long as we learn how to appreciates!
- We have fancier houses but more broken homes
- There are more incomes but also more divorces
- There are more convenience but lesser time
- We have more qualifications but lesser common sense surprisingly
- We have more knowledge but less judgement
- There are more experts but more problems
- There are more medicine but less wellness
- There are more food but less nutrition
- We multiply our posessions but reduced our values
- We added years to life but not life to years
- We spend more but have less
- We buy more but enjoy it lesser
- We learned to rush but never waited
- We have higher incomes but lesser morales
- We long on quantity but short on quality
We spend money too recklessly, laugh too ittle, drive too fast, get agitated too easily, stay up too late, talk too much, show too little and lie too often.
As we grew older, we tend to take alot of things for granted. We never knew the importance of something or even anything as time passes on. It's always when we are on the brink of losing it or when we loses it that we realise how important it is, which by then in most cases, is way too late.
It's really time that we have to remove our vocabulary of words like 'maybe', 'someday', 'perhaps', 'see first' off our dictionary. Every moments in life is precious and even if it's not special to you, it might be to someone else. Not even a second is deemed wasted, as long as we learn how to appreciates!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Death - Part and Parcel of Life
Although i'm not even close with him, but imagine someone whom you once acquainted. I never once had a deep impression on my acquaintances, but in this case, i tried hard to figure out who he is this time round, eventually i did. I merely worked with him briefly- during my 'good old days' of course. He's quiet, yet partial in some sense.
His departure came sudden. People sometimes feel, good people leave this world way too early. It's simply not because of that but it's more on how when good people left this world, their absence are felt. It's naturally important that you want to be missed when you leave this world, but at the same time, this naturally speaks for how much impact and impression you have left for that very person who misses you when you are still in this world.
For his loved ones, it's just a saddening news. Especially when he's someone who's so alive, at the peak of his life plus the fact that he's healthy, totally fit and healthy. I've faced so many leavings in my life so far, some, friends whom i hit off quite well with as well but i guess it's all part and parcel of life. I can still remembered a news which i read about and further elaborated by my mum which follows:-
A guy, probably around the same age as me, lost his job. Somehow, for some reason, he and his dad had a small little confrontation. In a heated moment, they quarelled and argued. On impulse, the son went back to his room, locked the door. Moments later, his dad tried to ask to ask him out, then...no answer. Worried, the parents tried to pryed open the door, they couldn't. By then, their worry worsen and soon called the Civil Defence to help. Sadly by then, the son had already jumped off the flat from his window and died instantly. His dad rushed down only to see his son's bloodied body and continously blamed himself. Too upset, he went back to the exact same floor, same room and jumped down as well. In the end, two people died - the father and son, leaving the pitiful mother alone to endure all these pain that she shouldn't have. Now let's imagine the pain someone would have experience because of the leaving of their loved ones.
It's not difficult to understand these pain. And certainly for some, it will take years to heal the entire trauma of losing someone you love. I often imagine what would happen to me, should my mum leaves me one day. That will be the saddest thing that WILL happen to me, for if it happens, i will not know how my life's going to be. It's always important to cherish your loved ones, your friends, to treat them with love and respect, of course, to only those who deservingly deserves it, for nobody knows when will god decided to take them away from you..
Lastly, R.I.P Sgt Ang.
His departure came sudden. People sometimes feel, good people leave this world way too early. It's simply not because of that but it's more on how when good people left this world, their absence are felt. It's naturally important that you want to be missed when you leave this world, but at the same time, this naturally speaks for how much impact and impression you have left for that very person who misses you when you are still in this world.
For his loved ones, it's just a saddening news. Especially when he's someone who's so alive, at the peak of his life plus the fact that he's healthy, totally fit and healthy. I've faced so many leavings in my life so far, some, friends whom i hit off quite well with as well but i guess it's all part and parcel of life. I can still remembered a news which i read about and further elaborated by my mum which follows:-
A guy, probably around the same age as me, lost his job. Somehow, for some reason, he and his dad had a small little confrontation. In a heated moment, they quarelled and argued. On impulse, the son went back to his room, locked the door. Moments later, his dad tried to ask to ask him out, then...no answer. Worried, the parents tried to pryed open the door, they couldn't. By then, their worry worsen and soon called the Civil Defence to help. Sadly by then, the son had already jumped off the flat from his window and died instantly. His dad rushed down only to see his son's bloodied body and continously blamed himself. Too upset, he went back to the exact same floor, same room and jumped down as well. In the end, two people died - the father and son, leaving the pitiful mother alone to endure all these pain that she shouldn't have. Now let's imagine the pain someone would have experience because of the leaving of their loved ones.
It's not difficult to understand these pain. And certainly for some, it will take years to heal the entire trauma of losing someone you love. I often imagine what would happen to me, should my mum leaves me one day. That will be the saddest thing that WILL happen to me, for if it happens, i will not know how my life's going to be. It's always important to cherish your loved ones, your friends, to treat them with love and respect, of course, to only those who deservingly deserves it, for nobody knows when will god decided to take them away from you..
Lastly, R.I.P Sgt Ang.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Buy what you need, save what you don't.
I wanted to use the word 'stingy' but i think it's not that serious. Ever since my love more than half a year ago, i thought my finance will be better managed(afterall, r/s does requires money, from all the dating etc). Initial months after since seems to be alright, but as times pass, i find myself always almost broke. Apart from the monthly payment of my school fees, the amount of money i'm left can actually tide me sufficiently through the rest of the month. But i realised, i have no savings. YET, i'm spending all that i've earned, which is seriously bad and bad enough.
The appropriate word now should be FRUGAL. I need to be frugal. Not because so that i can see some digits in my bank account, but because it's high time i plan for my future, be it whether it's for my future marriage or not. My bank account hit dangerously low not too long ago, and it hit me so hard. I 'woke up' temporarily. I nearly spend more than i earn, which is ridicouslously pathetic. Saving up is basically for the rainy days. Be it whether you are saving for the future life, saving for emergency or saving to replace something in your life, it's relatively important but yet difficult to save.
BUT BUT BUT, i realised i have to. I told myself for one final time. I got to be frugal, if not, i'll regret in future. From now on, I'll cut down on the unnecessaries.
Seriously, many aren't understanding the real meaning of money. More often that not, we are 'giving away' unnecessary money. Take for example, now tell me, who really use Caller-ID on your mobile? I can give one whole list of some of the unnecessary money some people are 'giving away', with some including me myself.
- Laziness is the big offender here. I've got some example. For example, if you're at home and your house phone is far away from you whereas your mobile is just beside you, some would simply just dial the numbers on their mobile and happily make that chargeable call away.
- For convenience sake, credit card was born. But it's one of the world most evil invention. It sucked money blindly, mostly to the 'cannot control spending' and 'forgot to pay bills' people.
- Impatience is another factor. We rush into buying things, and regret at a later stage. Thankfully, shops like cash converter is always there but then again, it's one of the dumbest way to part your 'money' this way.
- Indulgence is another culprit. It cause the craves in you. Common perception: Dining in coffeeshop is hot, whereas dining in restaurant is cooler. But let's be serious, that few minutes of heat won't kill, in fact, it helps in digestion, i presume. Indulging is a bonus in life, not a routine, that's why it cost.
- Bring your own water bottle out. This is one of the worse fact. Every single outlet in town sell drinks 2-100XX times more expensive than the cost of it. Imagine quenching your thirst from your own water bottle for at least 1/3 of your day, should you are out for the whole day. It's a good advice here in fact. Imagine how much money you can save.
The only time i thought Singaporeans are best at when it comes to savings is in fact also not legally known - downloading. Buying DVDs, watching movie at the theaters, buying an album ALL cost alot more as compared to you turning on your internet connection and computer for hours to download what you wanted at one game. Abit time consuming but definitely cost saving.
I've learnt so much which i didn't know before, until it hit me hard a few days ago that i actually thought it through and through. So in the end, it's only down to a simple sentence - Buy what you need, save what you don't.
The appropriate word now should be FRUGAL. I need to be frugal. Not because so that i can see some digits in my bank account, but because it's high time i plan for my future, be it whether it's for my future marriage or not. My bank account hit dangerously low not too long ago, and it hit me so hard. I 'woke up' temporarily. I nearly spend more than i earn, which is ridicouslously pathetic. Saving up is basically for the rainy days. Be it whether you are saving for the future life, saving for emergency or saving to replace something in your life, it's relatively important but yet difficult to save.
BUT BUT BUT, i realised i have to. I told myself for one final time. I got to be frugal, if not, i'll regret in future. From now on, I'll cut down on the unnecessaries.
Seriously, many aren't understanding the real meaning of money. More often that not, we are 'giving away' unnecessary money. Take for example, now tell me, who really use Caller-ID on your mobile? I can give one whole list of some of the unnecessary money some people are 'giving away', with some including me myself.
- Laziness is the big offender here. I've got some example. For example, if you're at home and your house phone is far away from you whereas your mobile is just beside you, some would simply just dial the numbers on their mobile and happily make that chargeable call away.
- For convenience sake, credit card was born. But it's one of the world most evil invention. It sucked money blindly, mostly to the 'cannot control spending' and 'forgot to pay bills' people.
- Impatience is another factor. We rush into buying things, and regret at a later stage. Thankfully, shops like cash converter is always there but then again, it's one of the dumbest way to part your 'money' this way.
- Indulgence is another culprit. It cause the craves in you. Common perception: Dining in coffeeshop is hot, whereas dining in restaurant is cooler. But let's be serious, that few minutes of heat won't kill, in fact, it helps in digestion, i presume. Indulging is a bonus in life, not a routine, that's why it cost.
- Bring your own water bottle out. This is one of the worse fact. Every single outlet in town sell drinks 2-100XX times more expensive than the cost of it. Imagine quenching your thirst from your own water bottle for at least 1/3 of your day, should you are out for the whole day. It's a good advice here in fact. Imagine how much money you can save.
The only time i thought Singaporeans are best at when it comes to savings is in fact also not legally known - downloading. Buying DVDs, watching movie at the theaters, buying an album ALL cost alot more as compared to you turning on your internet connection and computer for hours to download what you wanted at one game. Abit time consuming but definitely cost saving.
I've learnt so much which i didn't know before, until it hit me hard a few days ago that i actually thought it through and through. So in the end, it's only down to a simple sentence - Buy what you need, save what you don't.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Messy Life
So busy @ work, but i just need a break. A break away from anything that's making me so stressed up. Coming back from Genting, i came back shagged, not feeling any relaxed. However, the trip was fun in a way. But upon reaching back to Singapore, it's back to reality, back to work, school, studies, boredom and so much more. I had a great weekend to make up. Movies, Ktv, Singapore Food Expo and not forgetting my new PS3.
I've delayed the posting of my holidays for weeks and i doubt still i will post them up anytime soon. Tons of photos are making me more confused than ever. I'm still planning for more trips - Cruises in August and probably Taiwan in September. Not to forget i'm intending to go on another backpack trip to end this year with a high note....
Before all that, i need to sort my messy life. My room's messy, my work desk is messy, my school notes and books are all over, my desktop's messy...basically my whole life is in a mess...i need help..
I've delayed the posting of my holidays for weeks and i doubt still i will post them up anytime soon. Tons of photos are making me more confused than ever. I'm still planning for more trips - Cruises in August and probably Taiwan in September. Not to forget i'm intending to go on another backpack trip to end this year with a high note....
Before all that, i need to sort my messy life. My room's messy, my work desk is messy, my school notes and books are all over, my desktop's messy...basically my whole life is in a mess...i need help..
Monday, May 18, 2009
Random
At last, i played soccer again, on Friday. Went home with a bloodied toe, with toe nails cracked. I need a new soccer shoes. The ones that SAF gave sucks. It doesn't even protect. I can't count the number of times SAF personnel were injured to the these shoes they wore during my span of 2 year service in Army. But, like what my friend had said, some soccer shoes looked so nice that you don't even bear to wear it to play soccer. No choice, i have to, if i ever want to play soccer without any pain.
Went for Sis 21st party. I almost 'painted' myself black and white to suit the theme 'black and white'. Her birthday party reminds me how i celebrated mine 3 years ago. I have the urge to make one small little birthday party again this year. But then again, it's a headache planning it, i might just be too lazy again to do anything.
Lost @ Mahjong again. This year, i'm Santa Claus whole year round. I've been losing whole year and it's almost half a year now. I'm practically giving money all the time. Is it just pure unlucky or am i too lousy for this game?
I can't wait for my Playstation 3 to come. Watching those youtube videos, those high resolutions print-screen and shots players took which i found online, looking at those reviews of those exciting game, i really really can't wait for my PS3 to come. Brought my friend to this particular shop in AMK Hub. He bought some of the nicest game ever and of course, Street fighter 4. A classic game. To play this game, a joystick is definitely required. And to think that the joystick the shop sold to be exactly as the ones from the arcade actually cost $300++. Gosh, my friend bought a equally decent joystick and it costs only $29. Huge difference in price, but playing wise, probably, a little bit different only. I can't wait for it to come. Probably then, i'll be spending everyday at home playing my games rather than going out, come to think of it, i can save money on it. But only to spend it away on games.....boohooo
Went for Sis 21st party. I almost 'painted' myself black and white to suit the theme 'black and white'. Her birthday party reminds me how i celebrated mine 3 years ago. I have the urge to make one small little birthday party again this year. But then again, it's a headache planning it, i might just be too lazy again to do anything.
Lost @ Mahjong again. This year, i'm Santa Claus whole year round. I've been losing whole year and it's almost half a year now. I'm practically giving money all the time. Is it just pure unlucky or am i too lousy for this game?
I can't wait for my Playstation 3 to come. Watching those youtube videos, those high resolutions print-screen and shots players took which i found online, looking at those reviews of those exciting game, i really really can't wait for my PS3 to come. Brought my friend to this particular shop in AMK Hub. He bought some of the nicest game ever and of course, Street fighter 4. A classic game. To play this game, a joystick is definitely required. And to think that the joystick the shop sold to be exactly as the ones from the arcade actually cost $300++. Gosh, my friend bought a equally decent joystick and it costs only $29. Huge difference in price, but playing wise, probably, a little bit different only. I can't wait for it to come. Probably then, i'll be spending everyday at home playing my games rather than going out, come to think of it, i can save money on it. But only to spend it away on games.....boohooo
Sunday, May 17, 2009
6 Months of Uncertainty
It's been 6 months. I never thought i would come this far, feeling and being how i am now. It's never easy, even up till now, or rather, should i say, especially now. Humans make mistakes, and yet some mistakes, to me at the very least, are unpardonable. Not because there's no room for forgiveness, but because of how this mistake can be kept at its minimum but wasn't chosen to.
First 2 months were especially tough, much tougher and harder than i thought. I disappointed everyone who cared, even myself ultimately. Whilst among all these, i became more paranoid. I became slightly useless in that sense. Some advices falls upon deaf eyes, i chose not to ignore certain facts and continue dwelling on the unnecessaries.
I used to dread weekends because i didn't want to be alone. I used to dread finishing my work for the day because i dread going back home. It's like going back to somewhere where there will be memories haunting me. It's not as though all my friends didn't care, it's simply because i couldn't bring myself to do anything because my heart and mind didn't allow me to, other than that very something. Minutes feels like years.
Slowly, it heals, very gently, unknowingly, through umpteens time of 'wake up calls'. I gained back the weight i lost, at a slow rate. I regained my confidence gradually. Though my stand still stays. Feelings fades but it's fading at the slowest rate possible and ever. Ultimately, i ensured i didn't do anything stupid or silly.
Most people assumed i've moved on. To a certain extent, i did. A scar is always a scar, no matter how long it took, it will never heal completely. Now, the scar is still there, still bleeding occasionally. Probably, it would have healed even faster, had i not reacted the way i shouldn't on some occasions. But i told myself, if i've been through worst, what's could have happen?
Once bitten twice shy. Never again will i allow myself to be hurt the way i was hurt exactly half a year ago. Amused and confused, i pondered upon the recent messages i've been receiving. It goes on a story like this.
She had always like eating Fishball Noodles ever since she was young, but one day, a new stall opened beside the Fishball Noodles, selling Prawn Noodles. She hestitated. Despite having eaten Fishball Noodles for years, she was tempted to eat Prawn Noodles for a change, just because she though Prawn Noodles would definitely taste nicer than Fishball Noodles. In the end, she really did. She had a change and she thought she made the right choice. Months passed, one say, she got tired of Prawn Noodles, and wanted to go back to Fishball Noodles....
The story hasn't end... Like they say, 好马不吃回头草. My heart says yes, but i realised one important fact, which was contradictory, being said to me, love alone isn't enough to sustain everything, not even relationship. Which is why, even if two persons still love and care for each other, there can be tons of many others reasons why they just can't be together.
For now, it's all about taking a step at a time. I feel being single has its own advantage, even though it feels good to be attached, to be able to love and be loved. At this point of time, i realised i love myself more and i thought i should have done so more often in the past. Although my stand of staying single is there, but i still wish to fulfill my dream of having a family of my own in future. I'll just wait for cupid to serve me my fate and when it comes knocking, probably, that shall be one of the happiest day of my life. Till then, i'll lead my life normally, where i believe, i'll continue to heal and recover from those unwanted memories.
First 2 months were especially tough, much tougher and harder than i thought. I disappointed everyone who cared, even myself ultimately. Whilst among all these, i became more paranoid. I became slightly useless in that sense. Some advices falls upon deaf eyes, i chose not to ignore certain facts and continue dwelling on the unnecessaries.
I used to dread weekends because i didn't want to be alone. I used to dread finishing my work for the day because i dread going back home. It's like going back to somewhere where there will be memories haunting me. It's not as though all my friends didn't care, it's simply because i couldn't bring myself to do anything because my heart and mind didn't allow me to, other than that very something. Minutes feels like years.
Slowly, it heals, very gently, unknowingly, through umpteens time of 'wake up calls'. I gained back the weight i lost, at a slow rate. I regained my confidence gradually. Though my stand still stays. Feelings fades but it's fading at the slowest rate possible and ever. Ultimately, i ensured i didn't do anything stupid or silly.
Most people assumed i've moved on. To a certain extent, i did. A scar is always a scar, no matter how long it took, it will never heal completely. Now, the scar is still there, still bleeding occasionally. Probably, it would have healed even faster, had i not reacted the way i shouldn't on some occasions. But i told myself, if i've been through worst, what's could have happen?
Once bitten twice shy. Never again will i allow myself to be hurt the way i was hurt exactly half a year ago. Amused and confused, i pondered upon the recent messages i've been receiving. It goes on a story like this.
She had always like eating Fishball Noodles ever since she was young, but one day, a new stall opened beside the Fishball Noodles, selling Prawn Noodles. She hestitated. Despite having eaten Fishball Noodles for years, she was tempted to eat Prawn Noodles for a change, just because she though Prawn Noodles would definitely taste nicer than Fishball Noodles. In the end, she really did. She had a change and she thought she made the right choice. Months passed, one say, she got tired of Prawn Noodles, and wanted to go back to Fishball Noodles....
The story hasn't end... Like they say, 好马不吃回头草. My heart says yes, but i realised one important fact, which was contradictory, being said to me, love alone isn't enough to sustain everything, not even relationship. Which is why, even if two persons still love and care for each other, there can be tons of many others reasons why they just can't be together.
For now, it's all about taking a step at a time. I feel being single has its own advantage, even though it feels good to be attached, to be able to love and be loved. At this point of time, i realised i love myself more and i thought i should have done so more often in the past. Although my stand of staying single is there, but i still wish to fulfill my dream of having a family of my own in future. I'll just wait for cupid to serve me my fate and when it comes knocking, probably, that shall be one of the happiest day of my life. Till then, i'll lead my life normally, where i believe, i'll continue to heal and recover from those unwanted memories.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Happy Mothers Day
Actual Mother's Day celebration had to be postpone as poor little brother had to book in early for the day. However, i did a little on my part just to ensure my mother did enjoy this special day. Initial plans of whipping up a nice meal for her was cancelled. Mum is always mum. She couldn't bear to wake me up from my sweetest dream and went market without me. By the time i really woke up, the sun was shining bright.
I made it up for her by doing some errands on my own. Bought all her favourite food i can buy, plus a cake for her. She only love and only eat that cake - Bengawan Solo Pandan Coconut Cake. The actual celebration will be in a few weeks time, whereby i'll bring her together with my bro to movies. The last time i watched movies with my mother, is probably more than a decade ago. She's excited with it, plus a nice japanese meal, she will probably be the happiest mother on earth.
Seriously, everyday can be Mother's day. She yearns for me to be at home most of the time, but i seem to be always the opposite. I became so extrovert after being 'trained' by my dad. My mum always attribute my extroversion to my dad. My dad never likes staying at home. He can go out several times a day on days he doesn't have to work. Since young he never liked me and my brother staying at home, because he think that guys should be out there instead of cooping up like a girl at home. I used to be utterly homely, and especially introvert. But the nagging finally got into me and i became what my dad likes and what my mum dislikes.
On and off, i appreciate and regret the fact that i didn't spend enough time at home with mum. I tell myself to spend more time at home, and lesser time outside. So at least few times a week, i'll dine dinner at home, even though if i'm going out, i'll do it after dinner. At my age, it's probably an age whereby my mum shouldn't worry about me so much, neither do i want her to be. But mothers are always mothers, no matter how old you are, you're always a kid. In her eyes, i'm always her boy.
I'll never forget her smallest action which shown the greatest love, giving me the greatest impact of my life. She's a perfect mother in my eyes. The fact that i can grown to this age, i'm thankful to her. When i'm scared, only she's there. When i'm sad, only she's there. When i'm down, only she's there. When i'm sick, only she's there. When i'm happy, she's also there. Nothing i do is comparable to the love she gave and i appreciate that. On the other hand, i make sure that stupid brother of mine appreciate that as well because he never seem to understand and know who really brought him to this world, giving him the care and love he needs when growing up.
But in any case, Happy Mother's Day to mummy...
I made it up for her by doing some errands on my own. Bought all her favourite food i can buy, plus a cake for her. She only love and only eat that cake - Bengawan Solo Pandan Coconut Cake. The actual celebration will be in a few weeks time, whereby i'll bring her together with my bro to movies. The last time i watched movies with my mother, is probably more than a decade ago. She's excited with it, plus a nice japanese meal, she will probably be the happiest mother on earth.
Seriously, everyday can be Mother's day. She yearns for me to be at home most of the time, but i seem to be always the opposite. I became so extrovert after being 'trained' by my dad. My mum always attribute my extroversion to my dad. My dad never likes staying at home. He can go out several times a day on days he doesn't have to work. Since young he never liked me and my brother staying at home, because he think that guys should be out there instead of cooping up like a girl at home. I used to be utterly homely, and especially introvert. But the nagging finally got into me and i became what my dad likes and what my mum dislikes.
On and off, i appreciate and regret the fact that i didn't spend enough time at home with mum. I tell myself to spend more time at home, and lesser time outside. So at least few times a week, i'll dine dinner at home, even though if i'm going out, i'll do it after dinner. At my age, it's probably an age whereby my mum shouldn't worry about me so much, neither do i want her to be. But mothers are always mothers, no matter how old you are, you're always a kid. In her eyes, i'm always her boy.
I'll never forget her smallest action which shown the greatest love, giving me the greatest impact of my life. She's a perfect mother in my eyes. The fact that i can grown to this age, i'm thankful to her. When i'm scared, only she's there. When i'm sad, only she's there. When i'm down, only she's there. When i'm sick, only she's there. When i'm happy, she's also there. Nothing i do is comparable to the love she gave and i appreciate that. On the other hand, i make sure that stupid brother of mine appreciate that as well because he never seem to understand and know who really brought him to this world, giving him the care and love he needs when growing up.
But in any case, Happy Mother's Day to mummy...
Friday, May 08, 2009
Random
Results's out. I must say i should be thankful for the results i've got. Although i didn't pin high hopes, but definitely, i'm slightly disappointed, especially with one particular module. However, all in all, i considered myself lucky to be able to get through this monstrous trimester, but little ease. My decision to drop one module hopefully will serve me well enough.
I haven't been blogging about this but definitely, something to be happy about. Man Utd is still on route for Treble this year, in addition to the Charity Shield and World Cup Championship, that would be a fruitful 5 trophies this season, simple wonderful. Getting into the finals by thrashing Arsenal. Vying for a final pole first position against Liverpool with a great advantage, i'll see no reason how Man Utd could end up with none of the two. Man Utd fans, let's cheer for them...
I haven't been blogging about this but definitely, something to be happy about. Man Utd is still on route for Treble this year, in addition to the Charity Shield and World Cup Championship, that would be a fruitful 5 trophies this season, simple wonderful. Getting into the finals by thrashing Arsenal. Vying for a final pole first position against Liverpool with a great advantage, i'll see no reason how Man Utd could end up with none of the two. Man Utd fans, let's cheer for them...
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Happy 21st Birthday 妹妹！
-Dedicated to Mei Mei-
One person i wanted to wish - Happy Birthday Sis. Definitely not someone i would forget. A pity i was away in Ho Chi Minh. But i'm glad i can meet you over two occasions. Several birthdays had passed ever since i've known and this must be one of the most important one as it marks a special milestone for you. I had mine 3 years ago and i'm glad you're part of it. 3 years later, it's your turn and i'm glad i'm a part of it as well.
21 is never an easy age. But it also spells a different route, something you would love embarking on. Hope you had the best birthday in your life and more to come of course. Happy Birthday once again and May All Your Wishes Come True.....生日快乐！
One person i wanted to wish - Happy Birthday Sis. Definitely not someone i would forget. A pity i was away in Ho Chi Minh. But i'm glad i can meet you over two occasions. Several birthdays had passed ever since i've known and this must be one of the most important one as it marks a special milestone for you. I had mine 3 years ago and i'm glad you're part of it. 3 years later, it's your turn and i'm glad i'm a part of it as well.
21 is never an easy age. But it also spells a different route, something you would love embarking on. Hope you had the best birthday in your life and more to come of course. Happy Birthday once again and May All Your Wishes Come True.....生日快乐！
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Random
Back from Ho Chi Minh. Been to 2 countries within the span of weeks, totally different experience. To Mauritius, it was my first time travelling far east from Singapore whereas to Ho Chi Minh, it was my first time backpacking. I'll be a good boy staying at home this Sunday and uploads those photos, sharing some of the little drops of experience i got as well as the funny tips and incidents i chanced upon for these two trips. I truly enjoyed travelling and i'm sure i'll travel more often in time to come.
Work today was a total hell. I shan't go much into it, probably i think i know what i want and what i should do. It hasn't been smooth sailing at work. Much attibuted to the suddenl state of 'not knowing what to do'. Things taught to me seems useless, things not taught to me seems essential, causing lots of hell up nonsense.
Missed KTV, miss hanging out with friends which seem ever so difficult with each and everyone's own commitment, miss my guitar playing, miss so much things, yet so little time. I wished i'm a retiree sometimes, but probably, i'll be just glad to live till that status. But even till then, probably, i wish i had fulfilled much of what i've wanted by the time i reach that particular status.
Lastly, i finally owned Pudding.
Work today was a total hell. I shan't go much into it, probably i think i know what i want and what i should do. It hasn't been smooth sailing at work. Much attibuted to the suddenl state of 'not knowing what to do'. Things taught to me seems useless, things not taught to me seems essential, causing lots of hell up nonsense.
Missed KTV, miss hanging out with friends which seem ever so difficult with each and everyone's own commitment, miss my guitar playing, miss so much things, yet so little time. I wished i'm a retiree sometimes, but probably, i'll be just glad to live till that status. But even till then, probably, i wish i had fulfilled much of what i've wanted by the time i reach that particular status.
Lastly, i finally owned Pudding.
