6 Months of Uncertainty

It's been 6 months. I never thought i would come this far, feeling and being how i am now. It's never easy, even up till now, or rather, should i say, especially now. Humans make mistakes, and yet some mistakes, to me at the very least, are unpardonable. Not because there's no room for forgiveness, but because of how this mistake can be kept at its minimum but wasn't chosen to.

First 2 months were especially tough, much tougher and harder than i thought. I disappointed everyone who cared, even myself ultimately. Whilst among all these, i became more paranoid. I became slightly useless in that sense. Some advices falls upon deaf eyes, i chose not to ignore certain facts and continue dwelling on the unnecessaries.

I used to dread weekends because i didn't want to be alone. I used to dread finishing my work for the day because i dread going back home. It's like going back to somewhere where there will be memories haunting me. It's not as though all my friends didn't care, it's simply because i couldn't bring myself to do anything because my heart and mind didn't allow me to, other than that very something. Minutes feels like years.

Slowly, it heals, very gently, unknowingly, through umpteens time of 'wake up calls'. I gained back the weight i lost, at a slow rate. I regained my confidence gradually. Though my stand still stays. Feelings fades but it's fading at the slowest rate possible and ever. Ultimately, i ensured i didn't do anything stupid or silly.

Most people assumed i've moved on. To a certain extent, i did. A scar is always a scar, no matter how long it took, it will never heal completely. Now, the scar is still there, still bleeding occasionally. Probably, it would have healed even faster, had i not reacted the way i shouldn't on some occasions. But i told myself, if i've been through worst, what's could have happen?

Once bitten twice shy. Never again will i allow myself to be hurt the way i was hurt exactly half a year ago. Amused and confused, i pondered upon the recent messages i've been receiving. It goes on a story like this.

She had always like eating Fishball Noodles ever since she was young, but one day, a new stall opened beside the Fishball Noodles, selling Prawn Noodles. She hestitated. Despite having eaten Fishball Noodles for years, she was tempted to eat Prawn Noodles for a change, just because she though Prawn Noodles would definitely taste nicer than Fishball Noodles. In the end, she really did. She had a change and she thought she made the right choice. Months passed, one say, she got tired of Prawn Noodles, and wanted to go back to Fishball Noodles....

The story hasn't end... Like they say, 好马不吃回头草. My heart says yes, but i realised one important fact, which was contradictory, being said to me, love alone isn't enough to sustain everything, not even relationship. Which is why, even if two persons still love and care for each other, there can be tons of many others reasons why they just can't be together.

For now, it's all about taking a step at a time. I feel being single has its own advantage, even though it feels good to be attached, to be able to love and be loved. At this point of time, i realised i love myself more and i thought i should have done so more often in the past. Although my stand of staying single is there, but i still wish to fulfill my dream of having a family of my own in future. I'll just wait for cupid to serve me my fate and when it comes knocking, probably, that shall be one of the happiest day of my life. Till then, i'll lead my life normally, where i believe, i'll continue to heal and recover from those unwanted memories.