Unhappiness

Yayaya....Am i a monster? Am i a dinosaur? Am i so scary? Nobody needs to be scared of me.. There's nothing to be scared of me. None of my friends needs to be scared of me. Moreover, there's no strings attached.

There won't be any new year resolutions/wishes for me. They don't work out or come true anyway. So why have it....but one thing is for sure, i wished for myself to be happy....it's been a long time since i feel happy..Happy not in the sense that i laugh or smile or what. Happy as in real happiness..

I'm still sick..mum got worried and took care of me like how she always do. Suddenly, i realised i'm back to the past, that unconditional love my mum had for me. Now i miss her out of the sudden.

Sick again?

Popped flu medicine and panadol. Thought i could sleep. But i could hardly breath now. I keep coughing. I'm so scared my asthma would come back....pray pray pray

NA

I was disappointed at that sms. Initially, i had thoughts of rejecting that trip because i was afraid that i'll be alone. In the past, i have letters accompanying me, i can go online and made online calls but now, not anymore. Nevertheless, i decided to go because i think that i should really go there and relax, trying to make a brand new start. But sadly, the whole trip was cancelled.

Today was a tough day for me. So many ups and downs of emotions for me and i almost couldn't take it. Those words was harsh to me, and it was really hurting. But like what many said, the truth hurts. It's hard getting someone whom you love out of your life entirely. Neither do i want to do that. But then again, i couldn't bear the thought of seeing someone i love doing things which might make me feel upset.

I'm also another one left hanging on the air and mind it, it has been one and a half months. I could barely tell myself to be strong and stand up any longer. Nobody can have the best of both worlds and in any case which i think i have to give in so that someone can be happier, i will. In any case which i think i have to do something so that at the very least, i can sleep much better at night, i will.

What i did today in school, those actions are nothing but for real. Especially the last action before i actually set foot and left. But i supposed that might be the last time i did that.

Yes, time will tell you everything, but perhaps by then, things are not the same and it's all a little too late.
What you said makes sense, perhaps, i'm not the better guy.
But i'm sure i am the one who knows you best, knows you well and love you always.

Start of Year 2009

Received a call from office this morning. It's from my superior. I thought it's something wrong which i've committed. But it turned out otherwise. Perhaps, this is the reason why my right eye have been twitching for the past one week. Perhaps this is like what Jon said, a brand new start to my new year of 2009. I'm finally going away from Singapore....Hope this will be a good trip and a new start to year 2009. Cheeros!

My Deepest Condolences..

Nothing is more dear than losing your loved ones. I was at loss for words earlier on. Seeing what i saw pains me. I can understand and feel that pain, perhaps not as much as they do. Still, i understand who in this world can truely stick with you thick and thin, and come to think of it, what i've been through is going to be nothing as compared to what i've just saw.

My Deepest Condolences my friend...cheer up

NA

What if i'm not sick?
What if i'm not happy?
What if i'm missing you?
What if i'm kicking and alive?
What if i'm supposed to live life well enough?

I guess i'm dreaming about those 'what ifs'.

Maybe you are happier without me.
But whatever it is, my heart doesn't give you the blessings..because it don't allow it...there's still something special my heart is holding onto.
However, i wish you happy everyday..

Gosh....fever's gone. Cough is still there, flu is still there...worse of all, my sorethroat and asthma seems to be acting up. Shucks....

Sick

Fever, Flu, Cough...it all came at one time....i feel so weak...

NA

After so many days, coming up to slightly after a month,
After so much tears,
After so much thoughts,
Afetr so much sleepless nights,
After listening to so many advices,
After realising so many things,
i've decided at last...
be it good or bad, at least i know, i have the support of my family, my friends and most importantly, myself.

To tag along with this decision, comes this song - Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows.

Goodluck to you..
I've told you before, i hope you will be happy..and i still have that hope now
That is if, someone don't exists...all the best...
Hope you remember this number '3'

Pre and Post XMAS!

Xmas is a season of thanksgiving. Although sadly, it seems totally different to be this year, as compared to the previous year, i'm glad i spent it with my loved ones. I think it's naturally important to spend it with those whom you love and loved you as well.

Although there's someone i especially wanted to celebrate with this year, but it's impossible anymore.

I was with MR the moment the clock ticks off at 12am, knocking on the door of xmas. It's was a rare gathering but sadly, i'm too tried go really enjoy the joyous mood of all. Sorry MR Guys. Nevertheless, i'm happy that once again, i got to see all my MR friends again...I shall update the photos here soon...

Xmas is also another special day - it's my dad's birthday. Happy...erm....47th Birthday!!! Haa...i almost lost count but still, i would like to wish my Dad a very happy birthday. Had a mini celebration on my own part along with some unexpected people and totally, it was enjoyable. I'll never forgot the aftermath of the whole event - three dudes playing LAN game overnight, well, almost.

Finally, I'm going to have a post Xmas celebration with Xero4 and gang. Now that finally Donovan's back, we'll gonna have fun yet again...can't wait for the sun to rise...i know i'm in for a feast tomorrow.

NA

It's hard to believe...it's even harder to accept.
I want to say i miss you, because i really do.
But i can't tell anyone. Not even those dearest to me.
This xmas wasn't merry at all. I hope things are just going to be better

NA

Wishing you all the best and all i can say is...goodluck to you...

Thanks to Those Who Lent Me Their Shoulders

I've learnt. Alot...Thanks to those who have adviced. Thanks to those who have shared. And even much more thankful to those who lend me their shoulders for me.

NA

我想那已经很清楚了。既然已经说得那么明白，我也会尊重那番话以及决定。而在我内心深处，则是许许多多的不舍。

NA

我在昨天晚上做了一个梦。那是一种提示吗？当我醒来时，我才发现原来只是一场梦。我抱着失望的心情睡了回去。梦里的我们是多么的开心，我现在也好希望这一个多月所发生的事情也只是一场梦。说真的，人往往会在梦里找到他们在白天所想的一切，就如日有所思，夜有所梦。

突然觉得很心酸。但我也没办法，只好忍着。

NA

我任然觉得我没做错。真的错的不是我。对我而言，我只相信我的眼睛。对！我很失望，也很伤心，但那一切的一切都已经过去了。我根本就不是王八蛋，因为从头到尾，我都一直很努力的挽回，而且还全心全意地相信她。

都已经一个月多了。我也在这一个月多里受了很多痛。真的够了。再拖下去，我真的就会崩溃了。我真的不敢相信我竟然还爱她。但我也知道那只是我的一厢情愿。

NA

我就连想做一个朋友的责任都这么难吗？为什么无论我现在做什么事，到头来都会被搞扎呢？我突然觉得我很没用。为什么老是做错事，而且更糟糕的是那些事更本不是我故意的。

说真的，如果你爱一个人，你会为她掉眼泪吗？你会因为她而瘦了好几公斤吗？你会因为她而有了黑眼圈吗？你会因为她而茶饭不思吗？我并不在意任何东西，因为我真的很爱她。如果以上的任何事你更本没做过，那你更本没资格爱一个人。

我很不甘心。但是我决定我已经很累了。可能爱一个人真的就是要她开心，虽然我很想继续的保护和疼她。

NA

真的得落到这样的下场吗？为什么无论我多么努力，也是没用呢。每当我觉得很伤心，觉得很无助的时候，很自然的，第一个想到的人是她。但是每当我最想打给他的时候，我犹豫了。到了这个时候，我还在犹豫不决。看来我真的得做出一些牺牲，虽然我真的很不想，但是我真的觉得很辛苦，很痛。真的很痛。只希望这样的话，她会开心，虽然我知道我一定会后悔，但我别无选择。而且从开始到现在我更本没觉得被关心。我几乎每天心里都在哭。如果爱一个人是那么痛苦，我真的宁愿永远都别再爱任何人了。

NA

我现在才知道原来是那么痛的。那些话真的把我的心给刺伤。但我知道真正关心我的人还在。我似乎觉得有些事，我还是别说比较好，这样一来，我可能会好过一些。我原本以为我至少还能在我最伤心的时候找到一点光芒，但是看来到头来我还是必须靠自己。再痛也得忍下去。

我一直在想那时那几个小时的事，我真的很开心。昨天下午的那些话也把我从一个小羊变成了一个很开心的人。可能有些事，不知道的更好。虽然那样的话会很痛，但是我想这样的话会比较好。

我尝试放手，但是很难。每一次我尝试那么做，我就会觉得非常痛苦。我舍不得，真的舍不得。

NA

那短短的几个小时，我真的很开心。但是快乐后的痛苦往往是最痛的。

NA

才刚刚过了12点。今天以是17/12/08。对我而言，今天跟以往一样，都是一个对我来说很特别的日子。虽然有点不一样，少了另外一位主角，但在我心里，那些感觉与感受都在而协一点也没少。

虽然那些短讯令我哑口无言，但我觉得我也没资格讲什么。最重要的是我心里所想的。也许你知道，或也许根本没人能理解。

NA

我不知道我到底要什么。我的心里很乱。就连现在无论做什么事情都无法提起任何的经或心情。一直都在我身旁扶持，开导，鼓励以及安慰我的朋友已离开新加坡。开学的第一天也将来临。工作也变得越来越不适应。一个本来以为能够开开心心过每一天的人， 突然变成了一个相似迷了路的小羊，完全没有方向，整天过这一种‘一天过一天的日子’。


但我也知道有很多的朋友能谅解我。他们也在这个时候不停的安慰我。也就因为有他们，我还能撑着。我也已经真的觉得麻木了。也就只有这种痛才能让我觉得比较好过。


我尝试放手，但是很难，真的很难。唯一能做的就是暂时活在以前那美丽以及快乐时光和回忆里，同时也是尽量地咬紧牙根，忍住种种的痛来过这个还没方向的生活。

NA

真的没人能够完完全全的了解我心里的感受吗？

我感到很庆幸我有一班朋友在这个艰难时期开导我，安慰我，以及鼓励着我。我这几个礼拜都在想，是我对不起我自己，或者是另有原因？有些时候，我们必须知道 ‘纸是包不住火’的事实。

我已经开始觉得麻木了。这一次的打击对我来说真的是很大。它完完全全的把我的信心给打碎。我一直问自己。是我付出得太多而没被珍惜，或者是我根本就不因该付出那么多? 多次，那些从口中说出来的话，就像是一把把的剑刺穿我的心。现在我真的不知该怎么办。但也只有我自己知道我心深处的感受。

Time of My Life - Standard Chartered Marathon & Zouk

Two main event i would like to highlight during this period of time. Thanks to these two events, i'm able to divert myself to them.

Firstly would be the Standard Chartered Marathon. It's my very first time running the marathon. It was no easy feat. However, i didn't complete it within my targeted time of 6 hours. I took 6 hours, 26 mins and 6 secs. A pity though because i thought i could have done better. Seriously, when running a marathon, as compared to me running a half marathon a year ago, it's so much of a difference. It's not about the speed and stamina, but it's more of my own endurance and psychological barrier.

My motivation was her. Yes, i told her this marathon was for her. She's the one who has been supporting me. That kept me on for quite a few kilometers until my leg finally gave in @ 15km. Subsequently, it's 'walk and jog and walk' for me all the way until i reached 34km, my leg couldn't listen anymore. I didn't know walking can be that painful. It was so painful that it kept in a speed of strolling. Eventually, i reached the last 100 metres and i tried for a sprint, knowing that i would get cramp if i were to do that. I ignored that fact and crossed the finishing line with a cramped right leg, drops of tears and thoughts of her.

Finally, i got my very first marathon medal and the finishers tee. I'm proud of myself. Next year, i'm going try even harder and break my own personal timing. This time round, it will be all by myself. I will handle everything from pre-marathon to post-marathon.

Finisher Tee-Shirt

My First Marathon Medal

Zouk (Mambo Night)

Finally, i'm stepping foot into Zouk with my friends again. It's been really long since i came to this place with them. At last, three of us's back together to enjoy soem MAMBO!!

Mambo again!

High, higher, highest

Death...

After so long, i realised my tolerance for alcohol has dropped as well. That goes the same for Don accordingly to he himself. We boldly ordered 2 jugs, getting 4 jugs back because of the 1 for 1 promo. I got myself in a near drunken state just after 3/4 jug. And by the time we hit the dance floor with drinks all consumed, i'm starting to see stars.

The feeling was high and of course nice. I just purely enjoyed the music and dance with it. By the time i downed another 2/5 jug of whisky dry, i almost hit KO. By 3am, i feel super bad and went outside to sleep while the guys still continue dancing. Heard from Don the moment i went out, nice music started coming in..DARN!

After mambo, we went to nearby coffeeshop to eat. Here's the funny part that got Gavian laughing and all of us finds it amusing. This shop sells roti prata but surprisingly, they don't sell kosong/plain prata but they only sell egg or onion prata. Ridicously, we order egg prata from them. $1.40 for one egg prata is a killer but nevertheless, something to fill the stomach full of alcohol.

By the time i reached home, i took a quick bathe and immediately KO on the bed. Though still feeling nauseous, but i felt happy. Because it's been a long time since i feel so happy, even though it's only for that few hours.

NA

It's a tough period for me. I wished for things not to turn out like that as well. Perhaps, it's just meant to be. Only time will tell....i just wish to soak myself in this pain and live it, until it numbs me. Still, those memories stays with me.

Meanwhile, the lyrics of this song makes my heart raced and emotions running around. It's by Westlife, titled 'Fool Again'.

Baby I know the story
I ve seen the picture
It s written all over your face
Tell me what s the secret
That youve been hiding
And who's gonna take my place

I should have seen it coming
I should have read the signs
Anyway I guess it's over

Can't believe that I m the fool again
I thought this love would never end
How was I to know
You never told me
Can't believe that I'm the fool again
And I who thought you were my friend
How was I to know you never told me

Baby you should have called me
When you were lonely
When you needed me to be there

Sadly you never gave me
To many chances
To show you how much I care

I should have seen it coming
I should have read the signs
Anyway I guess it s over
Can't believe that I'm the fool again
I thought this love would never end
How was I to know
You never told me

Can't believe that I'm the fool again
And I who thought you were my friend
How was I to know you never told me

About the pain and the tears
Ohooooo if I could I would
Turn back the time

Oh yeah
I should have seen it coming
I should ve read the signs
Anyway I guess it's over
Can t believe that I m the fool again
I thought this love would never end
How was I to know
You never told me

Can't believe that I'm the fool again
And I who thought you were my friend
How was I to know you never told me
Can't believe that I'm the fool again
I thought this love would never end
How was I to know
You never told me

Can't believe that I'm the fool again
And I who thought you were my friend
How was I to know
you never told me

NA

All i want to say is that i had the best 2 years, 6 months and 4 days of my life...

NA

I'm so so far away from the one I love right now. There is no reason to anything or explain. While I recall all the words you spoke to me, all the things you did to me and for me, i can't help but wish that I was there with you. I yearn to be back where I'd love to be.

But since things have come till this stage, the only thing I ask of is that she's being taken care of well I'm not beside her. Hope she's happy.

No longer am i able to help her wipe her mouth with my handkerchief.
No longer will she be able to eat the homecooked food i travel miles to deliver toher
No longer will i be there to lend her a listening ear readily
No longer will i be able to help her with her dailys stuff
No longer will i be able to take care of her needs, wants and sometimes, demands
No longer will i be able to stroke stroke her whenever she feel uncomfortable or sick
No longer will i be able to send her to school, making sure she won't feel lonely on her way to school
No longer will i be able to whip up nice dishes for her
No longer will i be able to cook instant noodles for her which i know she especially loves it
No longer will i be able to go around and find nice food for her
No longer will i be able to wish her goodnight
No longer will i be able to let her rest on my shoulder when she's on the bus, feeling tired.
No longer will i be able to surprise her and still surprise her even know she roughly knows it

Too much 'no longer' to list. I regretted not doing alot of things. Right now, there's no hatred but regrets. We all need that person who can be true to you. Now I wish I'd stayed by those moments i didn't. If i'm ever lonely and I'm tired, I'll only be missing you again.

There's nothing here for me to hope for, to be happy about now. There's no one here whenever i faces problems, whenever i needed that special kind of warmth and love. I really can't help but think of the times I've had with you as those pictures and some memories are the only things that reminds me of you.

Some search and never finding a way, and before long, they waste away. I'm glad I found you 2 and a half years ago, something told me to you're the one and even till now, i firmly believe so. I gave my all, to selfish ways but certainly with every intention of making you happy. And how I miss someone to hold, to love right now. However, when hope begins to fade, it does hurt, in fact, it hurts alot.

Though the hope is hard to find, but i never give up and i never will....

Love You Always